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Home Theaters Of The Future

Let’s face it, most people only see movies at home. It’s more pleasurable (and less expensive) than the hassle of the “movie theater” experience. Save for the blockbuster that no one can wait for. That’s why all civility in theaters is gone. Everyone thinks they’re in their living room, so they chatter aloud about the plot, answer cell phones, and text friends without consideration to others around them.

I just attended the big trade show for some of the new gadgets and TVs of tomorrow and, believe me, it’s going to make staying at home all the more inviting.

As most gay men know, size is important. Flat screen size varies from 32 inches to 40-70 inches, but future TVs promise to double and triple that height. I viewed a gorgeous 1,200 inch 4K High Definition screen that was so sharp and huge that if you were sitting on your couch you could actually see Meryl Streep’s soul while watching Mamma Mia!

On the opposite end of the spectrum, while some people many like to stream shows on their computer, a few newfangled gadgetries will allow them to outdo that. Soon, you will be able to download films onto pens, pencils, watches, nipple rings or even Prince Albert piercings. Although watching a spectacle like Dunkirk on someone’s dick seems somewhat dispiriting.

I perused new prototypes obviously inspired by cooking shows. One had a Cuisinart attached to one side and a blender attached to the other, with a handy drawer on the bottom to store all sorts of crafty items. Now you can chop vegetables, whip up a Pina Colada or even make a decoupage without missing one minute of The Walking Dead.

Tiny flat screens with wireless hookups can be placed in closets, basements, pantries, bathrooms and mounted on your vacuum cleaners so you can multitask and never miss a re-run of Law & Order: Special Victim’s Unit.

TVs installed in doghouses and attached to cat beds were the rage at the trade show. Scientists spent many years experimenting with television for pets and were surprised to discover that replays of the Jerry Springer Show (particularly episodes in which a table full of food was hurled and food scattered around the studio) seemed to have a relaxing effect on animals. And you can install a special device that will spay and neuter your pet while they’re watching.

V-Chips for parents to protect their children from watching unacceptable material are now so refined that you can program your set so that practically everything save the Food Network will be blocked out. One even had the hardware to actually reach out and slap your kid across the face for trying to watch adult material.

There are even blue state and red state models with computer chips that are sensitive to what comes across the airwaves. Any time Bill Maher opens his mouth on the Republican model the station will immediately switch to a rerun of Sean Hannity. Likewise, Fox News made a Democrat-sensitive television freeze up and replay last night’s Stephen Colbert monologue.

Sound systems for the new TVs are so elaborate with their Dolby-like power that they can make your ears actually bleed. One offers tiny speakers to surgically implant in your ear drums for ultimate clarity. Another comes with a warning that, if turned to a certain level, the treble can kill any pet in your apartment, not to mention those owned by your neighbors.

The breakthrough I found most astonishing is that pregnant women can have movies projected on the walls of their uterus, offering unlimited choices for prenatal screenings. One expectant mom I interviewed thought cartoons might be an appropriate choice, while another pregnant woman said she intended to show her unborn An Inconvenient Truth, Al Gore’s documentary about Global Warming. In her words: “You’re never be too young to be socially conscious…”