Because I go to movies all the time it causes many misconceptions. “Oh, he’ll see anything” is a phrase I’ve often heard. But guess what? As the days dwindle down to a precious few, there are plenty of movie genres and actors I approach like those anti-cigarette seals with a slash through it. Publicists will call and say: “We have this great three-hour Yugoslavian comedy that we know you’ll love.” Trust me, I won’t. I think it’s important to set certain limits when it comes to movies. One of the worst dates I ever experienced had to do with leaving the choice of the movie to someone else. I showed up at the multiplex and the person in question had chosen On Golden Pond. I just looked down at the ticket in horror and said: “I don’t think this is going to work out…” and hailed a cab.
Here are my other “trigger warnings” when it comes to movies:
Coach Movies. An inspiring story (based on truth) about a tough, but tender, coach of some stupid sports team who shows his crew the true meaning of discipline, loyalty and winning fair. Hoosiers, The Rookie, Friday Nights Lights, Coach Carter. You know the drill. Quite frankly I think it’s aiding and abetting a crime to buy a ticket to one of those damn movies, and should be punishable by a lengthy prison sentence.
Holocaust Documentaries. God forgive me, but I can’t take any more of them. I saw Shoah, Night And Fog, Hotel Terminus, Paragraph 175, The Memory Of Justice, Blind Spot- Hitler’s Secretary….I even visited Auschwitz which still gives me nightmares. I know we should never forget and I think you definitely need to see some, but personally I can’t bear any more grim camp tales unless it’s a Friday The 13th reboot.
Gay Coming-Out Stories. A Midwestern lad coming to grips with his own homosexuality on screen interests me about as much as what’s in Kim Kardashian’s ass.
Star Wars Movies. I hated the first one. It gave me a big headache. I hated Princess Leia’s hair. I hated those junkyard robots. I hated the sequels. I hate the merchandising. I only hope I die before Star Wars: Episode IX comes out this winter.
Puppy Movies. Sorry, movies about cute furry pets make me too nervous. No Benji, no Beethoven, no Air Bud or My Dog Skip. I don’t care if Sheba ever does come back. The only hope I have when I’m watching a movie about a dog is that it might die. I saw Old Yeller as a kid and was amazed by all the traumatized kids sitting around me when they shot the dog at the end. I was just relieved it was almost over and I could go home.
Mental Retardation. Leonardo DiCaprio in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? is one thing. But actors playing goofy lovable mentally challenged folks makes my flesh crawl. Sean Penn in I Am Sam, Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. Juliette Lewis in The Other Sister. Adrien Brody in The Village. Jodie Foster in Nell. Those movies give actors the opportunity to hambone it up for the camera and it makes me mental.
Surprise Endings Involving Ghosts. The Sixth Sense annoyed the shit out of me. I saw that ending coming a mile away and quite frankly I don’t believe you can see dead people unless you live in the Wall Street area. The Others irritated me for the same reason. If you’re going to do a ghost story it’s better just to stick to a malevolent house like The Grudge and Mike Flanagan’s evocative The Haunting Of Hill House on Netflix- not gimmicky surprise endings.
Tina Fey Films. I still think Tina Fey should have won a Nobel prize for annihilating Sarah Palin with her wickedly funny impersonations on Saturday Night Live. It proved the power of humor can be a devastating weapon. But her later TV series 30 Rock just never made me laugh. Neither did her film comedies like Baby Mama, Sisters or Date Night. It always seemed to me that she thought she was funnier than she actually was.
Michael Bay Films. Life is enough of a headache. Why should I suffer through deafening explosions and giant tinker toys morphing and crashing against one another to ear-bleeding Dolby stereo up on the screen? When I think of a Michael Bay film I always think of the insult the Wizard hurls at the Tin Man in The Wizard Of Oz: “You clinking clanking clattering collection of collagenous junk!”
Man-Child Comedies. Another annoying trend- the dude that won’t grow up flick. And I don’t mean Steve Martin in The Jerk either. Those Dumb Or Dumber films with Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels were bad enough but every Adam Sandler film reeks of this syndrome. Those brew and bong comedies starring Seth Rogen are an offshoot that grates on my nerves but anything with Will Ferrell I equate with root canal surgery. No wonder so many post-college students still live with their parents, when these movies celebrate assholes with a Peter Pan complex.
Coot Films. You know the ads- a group of senior citizens either go on a road trip, plan a heist, or worse still- fulfill a bucket list. They always star Alan Arkin, Morgan Freeman or Michael Caine, and sometimes if you’re lucky Ann-Margret shows up. But the trailers are all the same- it’s King Of Thieves or Grumpy Old Men– Going In Style. I remember letting out an audible scream in a theater during the trailer for Wild Hogs (2007) starring John Travolta, Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence and William H. Macy– a codgers on motorcycles comedy spawned from the final pit of hell.
Always remember this sage advice: life is as short as Mickey Rooney, and often just as scary.
So, Dennis, the only one I take exception to is Old Yeller. I was one of those traumatized kids. 8 yrs old. I remember running home after the matinee on the military base and bursting into tears and yelling “They shot Old Yeller!” Of course I also yelled “They killed Davy Crockett!”. Then there were those absolutely terrifying movies, like The House of Wax and The Fly. I don’t think I’ve recovered from those.
Very funny article!!!
Spot on and very funny.