A few years ago I went through a stupid health crisis. I had to endure chemo and radiation treatments for about a month. But all of that still was better than sitting through Rent: the movie. I really hate discussing sickness with friends to be quite honest. Because it’s so fucking boring. The human body is only interesting when it commits crimes, not when it breaks down. And I started suddenly noticing those ads on TV where smiling people look directly into the camera and say: “I’m ready to fight my cancer!” How my flesh crawls at their “indomitable spirit”. I want to do my own commercial: “I’m ready to let my cancer win. Just so I won’t have to endure another Adam Sandler comedy.”
Is it possible that movies can make you unwell? I never took stock in that before but as I trundled into radiation ever morning I had time to think as beams of light bored jagged holes into my soul. Could countless hours in movie theaters suffering through lousy films be unhealthy? The thought of bringing a class action suit against Mel Gibson certainly buoyed my spirits indeed. But how could you go about proving such a thing?
I began surfing the web for crackpot sites hoping to snag a conspiracy nut who did not think illness was a metaphor. And lo and behold I found plenty.
Mr. Mike Hunt had a web page called “Celluloid Carcinomas”, where he credited his fibroid tumors to having to sit through Fried Green Tomatoes with his wife Shirley. So convinced was he in this theory that he tried to attack the author of the book- Fannie Flagg at a book signing and was arrested and is currently cooling his paranoid heels in jail, while Shirley minds his web site.
Laura Norder’s internet page: “Malignancy At The Movies” attests her illness sprang from repeated viewings of The Fast And The Furious. After a marathon weekend of watching the DVD nearly 45 times in a row, her skin broke out, she suffered shortness of breath and had to be raced to the hospital where it was discovered she was in the final stages of brain cancer, which she is convinced sprang from her unhealthy fixation on Paul Walker’s abs.
Hugh G. Rection’s web site “Chick Flicks Can Make You Sick”, relates the thousands of bad girlie films he had to suffer though just to get laid. The movies his prospective dates always wanted to see were lame Sandra Bullock comedies. Or ones starring Drew Barrymore. Kate Hudson. Jennifer Lopez. Rene Zelwegger. Lindsay Lohan. Jennifer Aniston. And after a steady diet of cookie cutter plots and lame romantic misadventures he is convinced himself that it’s what’s responsible for the colon cancer he is fighting today.
Animated movies carry subliminal signals that manifest in tumors according to Trina Forest on “The Little Mermaid Is Killing Me.com”. Having to take her children to thousands of PG movies through the years and the repeated viewing by her kids on DVD at home, those same songs repeating over and over in his mind at night from The Lion King, Beauty And The Beast, Pocahontas, Oliver & Company, The Aristocats, Frozen, Aladdin and Mulan broke down her spirit and her health, leaving Trina practically bedridden today. “Some people might find joy in Lilo And Stitch, but they fucking murdered me!”
One of the most bizarre internet pages I stumbled across was created by Beau Vine who became fixated on Ray, the biopic on the life of the late great Ray Charles. He went to the movie every night after work. He bought up dozens of CDs of Charles’ music. he started Oscar campaigns for Jamie Foxx. He held rallies in support of keeping the movie playing 24 hours straight at his local theater. And suddenly one morning he woke up to find himself blind and black. Of course the on-line photo of this grossly overweight white man suggests he has some serious mental problems.
Marsha Dimes fascinating on-line site attributes her recent bout of shingles with sitting through The Passion of The Christ. But her rationalization was that her suffering was the least she could do to atone for the way those awful people tortured poor, cute, Jesus.
When you start your cancer treatment the nurses give you a series of pamphlets clueing you in on what to expect. Hair loss. Fatigue. Skin changes. Mouth sores. Nausea. Diarrhea. And the most intriguing is the emotional changes you possible will go through: Shock. Disbelief. Frustration. Depression Irritability. Anger. Withdrawal. Impatience. Resentment. Sadness. Guilt. Anxiety. Shame. Bitterness.
I sat up with a start, spilling some of my martini.
My God- that’s exactly what happened when I saw Rent.