Years back while I was watching a Maria Montez movie at 4 a.m. on TV, I could have sworn I heard her say: “Kiss me quick before the lava hits the village!” I used to quote that line endlessly to friends, but to my embarrassment I never heard it again- even after repeated viewings of Maria Montez movies. After that, I made sure I jotted down memorably stupid bits of dialogue in my notebook when I heard it, and have wound up compiling an enormous list of loony exchanges from movies. Some are silly. Some are downright stupid. But I’ll remember them long after I’ve forgotten the films they came from. Here are my favorites:
“With two heads you’d still be a moron!” (Untamed Youth)
“I believe you’d use your grandmother’s bones to pry open a cash register.” (Over-Exposed)
“The woman is armed and insane!” (House Of Women)
“I’d like to get so drunk- I’d look in a mirror and spit in my own face.” (The Girl In Black Stockings).
“You aught to put handles on that skull. Maybe you could grow geraniums in it.” (The Lady Eve)
“He’s so low, when they bury him they’ll have to dig up” (Audrey Meadows That Touch Of Mink)
“I want to shoot you so bad my dick is hard.” (New Jack City)
“You don’t have to know a man to live with him…..but you have to know a man like a brother to kill him.” (Blast Of Silence)
“At our last meeting, I died. It alters the appearance.” (The Chalk Garden)
“Did you see his last picture? I could eat a can of Kodak and puke a better picture.” (Kim Novak, The Mirror Crack’d)
“Of course, as far as I’m concerned, art is just a guy’s name.” (Rock Hudson, Magnificent Obsession)
“They don’t call it a cockpit for nothing.” (George Kennedy, Airport 1979: The Concorde).
“Oh, Dusty! You’re an angel in leather.” (Madeleine Carroll to Gary Cooper, North West Mounted Police)
“Making love to the piano- one of my more attractive minor accomplishments.” (Van Heflin, Possessed)
“The poor kid- she’s in Washington and her kidney is in Los Angeles.” (Airport 1975)
“You’re both so consumed with evil…so rotten…your filthy souls are too evil for hell itself!” (Joan Crawford, Autumn Leaves)
“You’ve caught me unprepared- I’ve been cooking over a hot creature all day.” (20 Million Miles To Earth)
“Speak- you’ve got a civil tongue in your head- I know you have because I sewed it back myself!” (I Was A Teenage Frankenstein)
“Attention! Attention! There is a herd of killer rabbits heading your way and we desperately need your help!” (Night Of The Lepus)
“I won’t never sin again, never…only don’t let no rats eat us- please God!” (Ida Lupino, Food Of The Gods)
“There’s got to be more to life than fighting for fish heads!” (Jonathan Livingston Seagull).
“ I never dreamed it would be the bees- they’ve always been our friends.” (Henry Fonda, The Swarm)
“The good news is your dates are here. The bad news is they’re dead.” (Night Of The Creeps)
“Get down off that trapeze and into the sawdust where you belong!” (You Can’t Cheat An Honest Man)
“Ever drop a cantaloupe from 40 stories?” (Q: The Winged Serpent)
“You know- I’ve been here a long time and never seen anyone as whacko as you.” ( Invisible Strangler)
“Mama, face it- I was the slut of all time.” (Elizabeth Taylor, Butterfield 8)
“There’s only one word that describes rich, dark, beautiful and rare- I’m going to call you Mahogany!” (Anthony Perkins to Diana Ross, Mahogany)
“If you don’t love me, Larry, don’t lay me!” (Susan Sarandon, The Other Side Of Midnight)
“How could a great doctor have such a jerk for a son?” (Jail Bait)
“He ran all the way to hell with a penny and a broken cigarette.” (Red Zone Cuba)
“This morning she was inside a coffin at the funeral parlor- and now she’s here in my kitchen!” (City Of The Living Dead)
“Don’t fuck with me fellas- this aint my first time at the rodeo.” (Faye Dunaway, Mommie Dearest)
“I’ll give you a dollar if you eat this collie.” (Martin Sheen, Badlands)
“You’re not very bright. I like that in a man.” (Kathleen Turner, Body Heat)
“Man, I had a boner with a capital O” (Nicolas Cage, Wild At Heart)
“This is my happening and it freaks me out!” (Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls)
“They drummed you right out of Hollywood, so you came crawling back to Broadway. Well, Broadway doesn’t go for booze and dope!” (Susan Hayward to Patty Duke, Valley Of The Dolls)
“About ten minutes ago I tried to kill a cat with a cabbage.” (Vincent Price, Tomb Of Ligeia)
“An intelligent carrot- the mind boggles!” (The Thing)
“Give this man satin undies, a dress, a sweater and a skirt, or even a lounging outfit, and he’s the happiest individual in the world.” (Glen Or Glenda)
“Now that’s the kind of woman that’ll make a man write a bad check” (Easy Wheels)
“I don’t go to church. Kneeling bags my nylons.” (Jan Sterling, Ace In The Hole)
“The human heart would never pass the drunk test.” (Period Of Adjustment)
“You’re the one man in the world I could never get low enough to touch.” (Joan Crawford to Peter Lorre, Strange Cargo)
“I need him like the ax needs the turkey.” (Barbara Stanwyck, The Lady Eve)
And my absolute favorite movie line of all time:
“You never fuck me and I always have to drive!” (Kelly Lynch, Drugstore Cowboy)