I don’t know about you, but I know where I’m heading this summer: Celebrity Surgery Land!
Have you ever wondered what plastic surgeons do with all the skin and fat they’ve Hoovered out of your favorite television and movie stars? Well, an enterprising young man named Dr. James Fletcher has been rounding up all the excess noses and thighs from our beloved screen idols and fashioning them into a thrill-packed theme park- one to rival Universal Studios and Great Adventure.
Located in New Jersey (just outside of Paterson), Celebrity Surgery Land is easy to find- just follow the billboards features celebrities Priscilla Presley & Kenny Rogers. They even retitled the exit road Cosmetic Alteration Boulevard. There’s always plenty of parking space, with easy-to-find markers like Liposuction Land and Implant Island. And all the ticket and entrance booths are shaped like tiny clinics. Park attendants are dressed like doctors, nurses and theatrical agents, and are pleasant and very helpful, despite the fact that they periodically point out the visitors’ flaws over the public-address system- “This woman has a large mole on her face that is very unattractive!”; or “How could you walk around with a nose like that?”; or “Will you look at the size of this man’s ass!”- which can be a tad humiliating.
What to do first? I suggest the heart-stopping rides. The Wild Snout is one of the most popular, not to mention one of the scariest. You are strapped into a car shaped like a large, unshapely nose- each one named for a celebrity. (You can slip into the Marlo Thomas, the Morgan Fairchild or choose from one of four Michael Jacksons). Then you are shot down a long, pitch-black tunnel filled with eerie sounds of surgeons cutting skin, splitting bones and carving out cartilage. Just when you notice that your car has begun to constrict around you, you’re thrust into the light and dropped 50 feet into the Pool of Chloroform and then down the Winding River of Regret, which is filled with hair-raising turns and plunges. Another popular ride is The Collagen, with its plump little lip-shaped cars that race you through hairpin turns and to dizzying heights. And kids of all ages will enjoy The Face Lift, basically a streamlined version of the Tilt-a-Whirl, but with large, grinning painted-on faces of stars who have combated age and spent a great deal of money to look, for eternity, permanently startled. There’s even a rickety, mind-numbing roller coaster ride and every car has the face of a Kardashian on it.
The gift stores offer nose key rings, suture clamps and posters of surgery-friendly superstars. And the concession stands that pepper the park offer yummy snacks like Crow’s Feet Croquettes and Tummy Tuck Tuna Melts. They even have their own brand of Collagen Cola. Whatever you do, don’t miss having a bowl of their heavenly Botox Bouillabaisse.
There is also a little movie theater that is constantly changing its schedule. At any given time, you can drift in and watch such films as A Woman’s Face with Joan Crawford, Seconds with Rock Hudson, Suture, Eyes Without A Face, Circus Of Horrors or any number of Frankenstein films. One of the mainstays at this comfortable, air-conditioned theater is Ash Wednesday, a 1973 film starring Elizabeth Taylor as a wealthy woman who travels to a clinic in Switzerland to get a face-lift in order to pump some life back into her loveless marriage to Henry Fonda. The movie includes a delightful and lengthy surgery sequence that makes it a popular stop. Another beloved attraction (particularly with the teenage boys) is Breast Implant Land, a sprawling section of the park dedicated to the courageous women in history who have allowed dubious doctors to inject dangerous foreign objects into their bodies just to increase their cup size. One can stroll through the lovely tree-lined section or hop on the Bosom Bus. Statues of top-heavy celebrities like the late Anna Nicole Smith, Carmen Electra and Pamela Anderson are peppered along the way, and their breasts increase in size before your eyes to the appreciative gasps of the crowd. Be sure to ride the Breast Bumper Cars, where little mammaries on wheels merrily bang into each other all day long. And stop by Law Suit Corner, where legal experts will tell you how to sue and win large sums of money from implant manufacturers (when they eventually blow up in your body and leak poisons in your system).
My favorite attraction is the Celebrity Surgery Horror House, where you walk down dark corridors filled with spooky music, only to have the wall alongside you suddenly light up with giant photos of Jocelyn Wildenstein, LaToya Jackson, Jackie Stallone, Carrot Top, Wayne Newton and Sally Jessy Raphael. A tribute to Cher begins with old television footage of the star, in which she was snaggle-toothed and prone to wearing silly outfits. Then we move through her illustrious career and facial transformations until we reach a visage incapable of registering any emotion at all. But the final shock is saved until the end: just when you think you’re nearing the exit, a huge poster of Mickey Rourke suddenly appears before you. You can hear the screams coming out of the Horror House all the way to Newark.
But you should save the best for last. A day at Celebrity Surgery Land just wouldn’t be complete without experiencing the Phyllis Diller, dedicated to the late comedienne who championed plastic surgery before it was fashionable, and spent more time on the operating table then entertaining audiences with her particular brand of zany comedy. You are lowered into miles of skin that has been stretched and clipped from Diller’s body through the years, and must make your way through the maze to find the exit. The ribbons of epidermis, the pounds of cellulite and discarded body fat choke the circuitous paths, making it a nightmare of navigation. But never fear- there are emergency panic buttons scattered throughout, and attendants will swiftly come to your aid and lead you to freedom. It’s a real stitch-ripper!