Most of us learn the hard way that honesty is not the best policy. When friends ask you to comment on their work, outfit or new lover, they’re basically begging for a positive review. In Hollywood, as in Washington, it’s suicidal to tell the truth. You’d be a fool to speak your mind when you might someday be working side by side or trying to get a job from the very person you’re being brutally frank with.
But there are very simple and safe ways to avoid telling an actor that his picture sucks and his career is spiraling towards infomercials. There are also coded messages in these safe phrases that can easily be read by those in the know. For instance, when you hear a star discuss working with a fellow actor on a certain movie and he says, “He was a consummate professional,” what he’s really saying is, “He was a colossal asshole and I hope he dies in a car accident.”
So, here’s a handy guide to what’s being said in Hollywood and what’s really being said.
Comment: Critics loved the film.
Reality: Audiences violently hated it.
Comment: We have Matt Damon signed to do our picture.
Reality: I think we can get Carrot Top.
Comment: Jennifer Lawrence expressed some interest.
Reality: She asked which way was it to the Ladies Room.
Comment: We had to do some reshoots on the film.
Reality: A test audience laughed it off the screen.
Comment: It’s an homage to Hitchcock.
Reality: The director died in a shower.
Comment: The movie is very Quentin Tarantino.
Reality: It’s just violent and stupid.
Comment: there’s sweep and fluidity to the director’s films.
Reality: He’s a complete drunk and his films are as incoherent as he is.
Comment: The movie has got great buzz.
Reality: No distributor would touch it with a 10-foot pole.
Comment: We’re taking the film on the festival circuit.
Reality: It’s going straight-to-video.
Comment: It won an award at Sundance.
Reality: They won’t even stream it on Youtube.
Comment: They’re going in a different direction with the project.
Reality: Believe me, it’s not getting made.
Comment: Let’s take lunch at my office.
Reality: I cannot be seen in public with such a loser.
Comment: She was a joy to work with.
Reality: The crew chipped in and took out a contract on her life.
Comment: She’s a modern Audrey Hepburn.
Reality: She’s completely anorexic.
Comment: She’s even more beautiful in person.
Reality: You can play connect the dots with her surgery scars.
Comment: There’s a delicacy to her performances.
Reality: She’s just nuts.
Comment: She’s been seen in the company of Hollywood’s brightest stars.
Reality: Her best, and only, friend is Scott Baio.
Comment: He only accepts edgy projects.
Reality: No one in their right mind will hire him.
Comment: He’s an intense performer.
Reality: He’s on coke.
Comment: He always gives a laid-back performance.
Reality: He’s on heroin.
Comment: He’s always so quirky on screen.
Reality: He smokes way too much pot.
Comment: He’s got a new job at Focus Features.
Reality: He’s their janitor.
Comment: She’s generous with her fellow cast.
Comment: She’s a complete whore.
Comment: Women adore him
Reality: He’s as gay as Christmas.
Comment: He’s heavily into charity work, particularly animal-rights.
Reality: We think he fucks his dog.
Comment: He’s good friends with Leonardo DiCaprio.
Reality: He saw him leave a nightclub once.
Comment: They’re a devoted Hollywood couple.
Reality: She moved out last week.
Comment: He’s taking time off from making movies to spend more time with his family.
Reality: He’s in rehab, again.
And when you hear someone in Hollywood say over a cell phone, “I’m losing you,” trust me, they mean that literally.
