When you break up with someone, don’t you want the final word? Hatred of a former love can be a powerful emotion- you chuck logic out the window and brush off your friends’ pleadings for reason like lint from a sweater. I once walked to a country house through seven miles of snow with a butcher knife to kill an ex. I’d weighed the consequences, but imagining the ribbons of his intestines unspooling on the cabin floor and forever wiping that smirk off his stupid face were simply more compelling than visions of prison. When I got there I dramatically kicked in the door only to find he wasn’t home. After waiting three hours I used the knife to make a bologna sandwich and walked home, feeling a tad chagrined. That got me to thinking. There must be some other, safer way to get the last jab in without having to use the point of a knife or the end of a bullet. Why not create a company to send DVDs to ex-loved ones, a service designed for revenge purposes? What a great way to make your point without changing your name, hair color and heading south in a stolen car.
If I were to start an Internet service, that’s what I’d do. Imagine making a fortune based solely on ill will, broken hearts and hurt feelings. Nobel prizes have been won for less.
I’d call the service Hateflix, of course. Here are a few examples of what I’m talking about.
If your ex-girlfriend was obsessed about her weight all the time and made your life miserable at home and at restaurants, why not send her a DVD of Fatso, the Anne Bancroft-directed 1980 film starring Dom DeLuise? The title alone will infuriate her and make her paranoid at the same time. Isn’t that the point? You can fantasize her racing to the bathroom for the ipecac.
Was your former lover a big swimmer and deep-sea enthusiast? Perhaps a nice gift basket of DVDs like Open Water, Adrift and Jaws might float her boat.
Have an ex suffering from severe body dysmorphic disorder? Was she always surgically altering her appearance? Well, how about the 1974 film I Hate My Body. It’s actually a film about a male engineer’s brain transplanted into a woman, but who cares? The title alone will freak her out.
Are you a gay man whose lover left you for another woman? Is your former flame on the verge of tying the knot? There’s a gay porn DVD with a title sure to provoke embarrassment when he opens the package in front of his fiancee: Ditch The Bitch And Make The Switch.
Was your ex a horrible hypochondriac? Was he or she constantly checking their temperature, reading medical journals, and racing off to the doctor with a cavalcade of imagined illnesses? Why not send him or her Dying Young? Maybe, if you’re lucky, it will come to pass.
Did your former partner suffer from a fear of heights? Only the film about the high wire artist Philippe Petit’s 1974 cross between the World Trade Towers- The Walk will do. That 2015 movie even had my stomach lurching during the dizzying last scenes. Just imagine your ex.
Is your old boyfriend a mite sensitive over his physical shortcomings? A gift-wrapped copy of Little Big Man ought to cause him ample mortification. If that fails, try Percy, a 1971 British comedy about a man who has a penis transplant.
Did your man dump you for an older women? Send Harold & Maude. Did he leave you for a younger woman? Lolita. Both end badly. You’ll have made your point.
Did your ex-girlfriend meet someone else and recently start a family? Is the new baby…how should I put this… the opposite of cute? You might send them the ‘70s-‘80s It’s Alive trilogy, or perhaps 1977’s Eraserhead, which was the best mutant baby film ever. That ought to rattle her bassinet…
Is your old flame way too attached to his mother? Did that cause major problems for you? Why not make a gift of Throw Momma From The Train?
Was your girlfriend a rabid vegan? Send her the special edition of Cannibal Holocaust? Not only does it gruesomely depict natives snacking on human flesh, the film also features several real animals being killed onscreen. That should piss her off big time.
With those with a laundry list of grudges against an ex-love, 10 Things I Hate About You is a perfect film.
Or send The Good The Bad And The Ugly and simply underline the last word.
And a charming 1974 film has a title that applies to all rat-faced former beaus: I Spit On Your Corpse, I Piss On Your Grave.
Sometimes simplicity really is the best policy.
Saw Dying Young with 2 friends who both died by the end of the year!