Broadway has been lousy with movie adaptations for many years. The Producers, Hairspray, Legally Blonde, Sunset Boulevard, Young Frankenstein. It’s surprising how many haunt today’s theaters- Mean Girls, School Of Rock, Kinky Boots, Waitress, A Bronx Tale and then there’s the upcoming Pretty Woman, which hopefully will bring prostitutes back to the Deuce. And don’t get me started on Disney. The Lion King, Aladdin, Frozen, Beauty And The Beast. It never ends. But I like to lie in bed dreaming of totally inappropriate movies that would make really bad Broadway musicals. Just the idea of Disney making a musical out of Old Yeller fills me with fiendish glee. They could shoot a different dog to death every night in front of traumatized tots while singing: “Old Yeller was a nice fella, but pretty soon his carcass is gonna smella.” Here are other sick fantasies of mine to make Tony voters gag.
The Passion Of The Christ. Nightly crucifixions- not to mention two holy matinees- might entice Christians to Broadway. Audience members could be given cat o’-nine-tails when they enter the theater and then encouraged to join in on beating Christ as he lumbers up the aisle, dragging that old rugged cross. Catchy tunes like “I just met a girl named Magdalene.” And “The Last Supper” (set to the tempo of Donna Summer’s “Last Dance”) might raise a few Hallelujah choruses. “Judas- O No You Di’n’t” would probably levitate up the Billboard charts.
Brokeback Mountain. Richard Rodgers & Oscar Hammerstein II’s Oklahoma! was already kind of gay anyway. But just try to imagine this reworking of this Ang Lee film with catchy lyrics like: “Oh. what a beautiful blow job! Oh, what a beautiful load!” The story of two cowpokes who gave voice to the love that dare not speak its name might just come alive in a splashy musical starring Hugh Jackman and Harry Connick Jr. What about the “I Wish I Could Quit You” waltz? Not to mention the “Homo On The Range” hoe-down.
Caligula. Let’s bring sex back to where it belongs- Times Square- and scare away the tourists for good. Imagine reenacting this notorious 1979 Bob Guccione-produced X-rated epic about a crazed Roman emperor into a theatrical romp. Who wouldn’t want to see a dirty musical with plenty of deviant sexual hijinks and live sex on stage? But also with A-list stars like Bernadette Peters, Nathan Lane, Patti LuPone, Kelli O’Hara, or Harvey Fierstein. Who’ll win a Tony for the “fisting” sequence?
Monster. A killer lesbian musical! Now that’s a good concept. Oh, wait, there already was one- Thoroughly Modern Millie. This is the story of executed roadside murderer Aileen Wuornos, which won an Oscar for Charlize Theron. Is there the chance Theron can be lured to the Great White Way for a kick-ass musical version? A Tony would be in the bag if she could belt out these lyrics on stage: “I shot that jerk in the crotch,/ Dumped him in a ditch,/ Had a beer with my girlfriend,/ Ain’t life a bitch…”
Cloverfield. This Godzilla meets The Blair Witch Project cult favorite might make for difficult staging, considering most of the film is found video footage of annoying 20-somethings racing across Manhattan chased by a rampaging monster. But the proscenium could be transformed into a huge video frame and the stage can be tilted and whirled to give the audience that vertiginous, shaky-cam feeling. And how exciting to get to see a real monster on stage. Harvey Weinstein– a new job awaits.
Big Momma’s House. 4 simple words. Martin Lawrence on Broadway. And in a fat suit, and a dress. And singing. Tyler Perry, eat your heart out!
Transformers. My dream come true- Michael Bay on Broadway. Think of the eardrum-exploding din of giant transforming machines on stage every night. And the poor parents in the audience trying to control their hyperactive youngsters while jamming wads of Kleenex in their ears. The poster could read: “Not since Pearl Harbor has there been this much racket!”
Gerry. Director Gus Van Sant’s minimalist cinematic experiment about two dudes who get lost in the desert and wander aimlessly for the course of the film might at first seem like an unlikely candidate for the stage. But Broadway likes to scare up business by mining TV for celebrity-nots to appear on stage causing families to mindlessly plunk down their hard-earned bucks for tickets. How about all those American Idol losers to choose from? Or Reality TV stars? Or Instagram sensations? Clay Aiken and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino– start your engines and trudge across the Broadway stage to theatrical immortality.
Hostel. Just think of the hype. The first “torture porn musical!” Imagine a tap-dancing extravaganza based on Eli Roth’s chilling film about a bunch of kids who unwisely travel to a youth hostel in Rumania only to be kidnapped as victims for wealthy killers who pay big money to murder them. I often lie in bed fantasizing the lead ballad:
“Some demented evening, when I kill a stranger,
When I kill a stranger, across a dim-lit room.
I’ll pay through the sky, to gouge out some eyes,
But it will be worth it, just to hear his cries…”
You great man DD.