Kids know there are monsters in the world. They see it constantly on TV that there are dark forces at work out there. And now, with the rash of school shootings, it’s upsetting to imagine children spending their entire youth drowning in fear and paranoia. So why not introduce them to movies with preposterous, laughable monsters to help cut the tension of modern living? Years ago, I remember showing Griffin, my sister’s son, the movie The Giant Claw and he was convulsed in laughter at the sight of the dumb monster. “You mean they were serious when they made this?” he asked me, incredulous. We both howled at the sight of this preposterous creature and the poor actors feigning fright.
Here’s my favorite top 12 sublimely stupid monsters in film history.
The Giant Claw (1957) This laugh riot is about a giant bird from outer space that attacks New York. It stars Jeff Morrow (This Island Earth) who said in an interview with film historian Tom Weaver that he only got to see the finished monster (a Big Bird look-alike marionette) at the premiere at which point he sunk in his seat, mortified. But the rest of us jumped for joy.
The Creeping Terror (1964) A giant killer throw rug attacks Lake Tahoe. The movie is all voice-over narration (the soundtrack was purportedly lost) and it’s incredibly idiotic. The alien creature looks just like a 1950s bath mat left out in the rain. If you watch carefully you can see the sneakers of the film crew shuffling under the “Terror”.
From Hell It Came (1957) This is one of my personal favorite, which features Tabanga, a possessed killer tree stump with the spirit of a murdered South Sea native inside who takes revenge by slowly carrying and then dumping his enemies into quicksand.
It Conquered The World (1956) This Roger Corman-directed cheapie is about a monster from Venus holed up in a cave, out of which bat-like creatures are sent to turn unsuspecting victims into the monster’s slaves. The beast looks like half a cucumber with big teeth and crab-like arms, and an angry confrontation at the end between the monster and star Beverly Garland will have you falling off the couch with laughter.
The Alligator People (1959) Here’s a B-movie fave, again starring Beverly Garland, who travels to Louisiana to find her missing husband, only to discover that a mad scientist has turned him into an alligator man. Lon Chaney Jr. co-stars as the hate-crazed, hook-handed, Cajun. Garland shrieks her way through the last 15 minutes, chasing her gator-mate through the swamp.
Robot Monster (1953) A notorious 3D movie about an alien invader called Ro-Man (actually a man in a gorilla suit with a diving helmet on his head) sent to destroy earth. Phil Tucker, who allegedly attempted suicide after the movie’s dismal opening, directed this legendary stinker.
The Mighty Gorga (1969) There have been plenty of lousy King Kong rip-offs but this one takes the cake. A circus owner (Anthony Eisley) travels to a lost tribe that worships a giant ape named “Gorga” (a man in a crummy gorilla costume replete with acrylic doll eyes). Plastic-dinosaur attacks add to the pleasure.
Sting Of Death. (1965) This fabulously stupid Floridian horror movie by William Grefe is about a marine biologist who transforms into a killer jellyfish monster who attacks partying college kids on spring break. Bikini-clad teens dancing to Neil Sedaka’s song “Do The Jellyfish” is a highlight. But the creature itself is a riot- a man in a green diving outfit with an inflated plastic bag on his head with some stringy tentacles hanging off it. You can also clearly see the seam on the bag.
Godmonster Of Indian Flats. (1973) Desert-set monster movie about weird gases that come out of an abandoned mine that transforms a sheep embryo into a lumbering mutant monster. The actual 8-ft. sheep beast tottering slowly on two legs towards a group of schoolchildren is a hilarious sight to behold. Just watching dozens of men on horseback having to lasso this galoot of a monster to the ground is pretty damn funny. (This wonder is coming out on Blu-ray soon from AGFA & Something Weird).
Frankenstein’s Daughter (1958) Hilarious drive-in masterpiece by the wonderfully inept Richard E. Cunha (Missile To The Moon/She Demons) that will leave you in stitches, featuring a California girl transformed into a hideous monster by Dr. Frankenstein’s grandson, Oliver (Donald Murphy). Sandra Knight plays the snaggle-toothed gal-monster in early scenes, but in later scenes a big burly stunt man with a face like a squashed pizza plays the same creature.
The Horror Of Party Beach (1972) This classic beach-party movie filmed in Connecticut is about sea creatures caused by nuclear waste. The monsters look like Black Lagoon-wannabes but with rows of hot dogs sticking out of their mouths. The Del-Aires perform The Zombie Stomp while carefree teens become food for the monsters.
The Killer Shrews (1959) I have the original poster framed in my living room for this film- a hairy animal tail and a bloodstained stiletto promising rodentacular horror. The film is actually about a bunch of people who get stranded on an island overrun by shrews from a mad doctor’s experiments gone wrong. The shrews have mutated into giants, although they are quite obviously packs of dogs with masks on, which actually makes it funnier and a little sweet.
Wonderful.
So great!!!