I’m not sure which I hate more- sports, or movies about them. The formula’s always the same. From Rocky on- there’s the talented but hot-headed rookie; the grizzled but wise coach; the conflict; the come-around; and, finally, the big game. Exchange “game” for “race” or “competition” and the cliches still apply. But you can’t just attach the formula to any old sport and expect to hit box office pay dirt. There have been some real cinematic sports stinkers. So batter up. And I’ll walk you through some of my personal best.
Over The Top (1987) You don’t know the meaning of fear until you’ve experienced this Sylvester Stallone film about a trucker who hopes to regain the respect of his son by winning an arm wrestling competition. The only movies that should be allowed to have arm-wrestling are gay porn.
Dreamer (1979). When I think “cinematic,” I immediately think: “bowling.” This Rocky-esque tale is about a working-class Joe (Tim Matheson) who battles bureaucracy for a PBA certification and a last-minute addition to a national tournament. Spare me.
Days Of Thunder (1990) “Gentlemen- start your engines!” was the battle cry for this noisy, stupid, Don Simpson/Jerry Bruckheimer produced bomb. Watching a fast car repeatedly circle a track was bad enough but starring Tom Cruise and not having him behind the wheel in nothing but a jock strap was a glaring oversight.
Ice Castles (1978) When ice skating hopeful Alexis (Lynn-Holly Johnson) cracks her noggin on the ice and goes blind, it’s up to her devoted boyfriend (Robby Benson) to get her in her skates again. She twirls to glory in a skating competition, but what judge would be mean enough to point out her “figure 8” is actually a “96”?
The Loneliest Runner (1976) 14-year-old chronic bed wetter John Curtis (Lance Kerwin) has to race home from school every day to pull in the soiled sheets his mom has sadistically hung out the window. All this running eventually leads him to compete in the Olympics. It does give new meaning to “going for the Gold.”
8 Seconds (1994) Fact-based tale of Lane Frost (Luke Perry), the 1987 PRCA Bull Riding World Champion. The title refers to the time it will take you to eject this from your DVD player.
Good Luck (1996) A blind man (Vincent D’Onofrio) and a paraplegic (Gregory Hines) enter a white-water rafting race. Not only are they handicapped, but they’re also assholes.
The Next Karate Kid (1994) Before Hilary Swank won the Oscar for her portrayal of Brandon Teena she played another “tomboy” who is coached by martial arts expert Miyagi (Pat Morita) how to kick ass and do the waltz.
Sidewinder 1 (1977) Former evangelist-turned-actor Marjoe Gortner stars as motocross racer. You’ll pray for an aneurysm or the movie to end (whichever mercifully comes first).
Players (1979) What’s more boring than a movie about bowling? A movie about tennis. Dean Paul Martin plays a tennis hustler who hooks up with a mysterious older woman (Ali MacGraw) who encourages him to compete in Wimbledon. Just keep repeating…it’s only a racket…it’s only a racket…it’s only a racket.
Fire And Ice (1986) Former Chapstick goddess Suzy Chaffee plays a professional skier who has to decide between the slopes or a dope (John Eaves).
Six Pack (1982) You’ll need a few to get through this film starring Kenny Rogers as a retired stock car driver who is inspired by some hubcap-stealing orphans to return to the racing scene.
American Anthem (1986) Bubble butt cutie Mitch Gaylord (a real-life Olympic Gold Medal winner) plays Steve, a welder who rebels against his drunken dad to go for the girl (Janet Jones) and Gold on the parallel bars by qualifying for the U.S. team in the World Gymnastics Competition. This catapulted Gaylord to such direct-to-video masterpieces as Sexual Outlaws (1994) where he played a mute ex-con who photographs prostitutes for a nudie magazine.
Running Brave (1983) Watch Robby Benson run heap fast as Sioux Native American Billy Mills, who successfully won the 10,000-meter-long distance foot race in the 1964 Tokyo Olympics.
…All The Marbles (1981) You should have taken them and run before sitting through director Robert Aldrich’s final film, about a seedy manager (Peter Falk) of an all-female tag team wrestling combo called the California Dolls.
The Boy In Blue (1986) Before Nicolas Cage guzzled his way to an Oscar in Leaving Las Vegas he played Ned Hanlan, the real life 19th Century bootlegger who became a “sculling” (rowing competition) champion. I prayed that someone would creep up behind me in the theater and smash me over the head with an oar.
The Legend Of Bagger Vance (2000) Robert Redford directed this box-office bomb about a 1930s down-on-his-luck golfer (Matt Damon) assisted by a mysterious stranger- Bagger Vance (Will Smith), who becomes his caddie and champion and leads him to victory. Will Smith’s saint-like character brings to mind all those “magical” stereotypes from other cringe-worthy movies.
Ladybugs (1992) Rodney “I don’t get no respect” Dangerfield plays a man who tries to win a promotion at work by bluffing his way into becoming the soccer coach of a rag-tag group of girls who barely know how to play. He gets the bright idea to bring in his girlfriend’s son (Jonathan Brandis) and put him on the team (in drag) to help them win the big game. As funny as cancer.
Air Bud (1997) Kevin Zegers plays Josh, a lonely outcast at school, who makes friends with a dog who can magically play basketball. They successfully fused two of my most hated film genres- the sports movie with a cute dog movie. Kill me now.
Vision Quest (1985) The film that turned a generation gay. Matthew Modine stars as high school student Louden Swain who competes in a national wrestling tournament. The strip weigh-in sequence alone was worth hitting the video “rewind” button in its day.
Field Of Dreams (1989) An Iowa farmer (Kevin Costner) is coerced (by heavenly voices) to build a baseball field on his farm, only to have the spirits of dead Chicago White Sox players appear. This movie was beloved by audiences and was a huge sentimental favorite, but all I can remember, sitting in that packed movie theater, was wanting so badly to burn down the cornfield.
Mostly agree but there is ONE great sports movie: “Survive!” the 1976 Rene Cordona exploitation flick/ rip off of the book “Alive” which details the true story of a soccer team whose plane crashed in the Andes and the survivors had to eat their dead teammates. Much better than the serious minded officially sanctioned “Alive” from the early 1990s
omg– I want to see it just because of his great body. Just look at that six-pack! No other reason to watch a f****** jock movie.