When we trot off to a movie are we really going for the acting? Or is it that stirring of the secret trouser snake in all of us that compels us to go? I recall sitting in a movie theater as a child watching Mike Henry swinging through the trees in some cheesy Tarzan film and impure thoughts of what I’d like to do to that muscle Mary danced in my brain like Christmas sugarplums. Gorgeous actors are receptacles of our hidden longings and secret lusts. After conducting an extensive 6-month survey, interviewing hundreds on this very subject, I discovered some odd objects of hidden desire. I even consulted renowned anthropologist Dr. Noah Peel, who put it in a nutshell: “Our penises and vaginas speak to us,” he said to me, “Movie stars can arouse and inform our erotic choices in life. And let’s face it: many of our choices in life are just plain weird.”
For Miss Lorraine Inspain, a 47 yr.-old realtor from California, it’s Paul Giamatti who gets her knickers in a twist. The chin challenged character actor, known for his excellent work in such films as American Splendor and Sideways, is the sexual pillow Inspain caresses nightly. “I don’t know what it is about his lumpy, disheveled, appearance on screen,” she says, “but the minute he opens his mouth to stutter in Lady In The Water I got wet.” She’s referring to director M. Night Shyamalan’s box office cannonball about a mysterious mythical woman who appears in a motel pool, which jokingly has been credited the tag line: “I see damp people.”
Olympia Dukakis makes Bernie Evidence’s temperature rise. “I’m into older women, that’s for sure,” confesses the 27-year-old Manhattan carpenter. He remembers watching Moonstruck on TV for the first time, and when he saw Dukakis play crusty Rose Castorini, he felt a definite swelling in his jeans. “Damn, she makes me hot,” he says. “I almost came in my pants when I watched Steel Magnolias.” Other elderly thespians on Bernie’s weiner-meter: “Maggie Smith and Judi Dench get me riled up, but his heart belongs to Dukakis. He’s even thinking of working up an Internet fansite called Olympiatopia.com.
Bertha Venation, 39, has a real yen for actor Ned Beatty. “Ned Beatty ruined my marriage,” she says, “I saw that damn Deliverance, and when that toothless hillbilly sodomized Ned Beatty in the woods, I got really turned on. My dumbbell of a husband refused go along with my fantasy of dragging him out to the forest, stripping him to his underwear, rolling him down the hill in the dirt and then sodomizing him with a strap-on dildo until he squealed like a pig. I just didn’t see it as that much of a big deal. But he left me flat. And took the kids with him.” She’s hoping her profile on Facebook looking for a “Ned Beatty/bottom),” will eventually prove fruitful.
Boyishly blonde cutie Devon Sawa is a personal favorite of Bjorn Toulouse, a 52-year-old composer from Philadelphia. “From the first time he appeared to Christina Ricci as Casper, the friendliest ghost, you know, I was smitten.” And when Sawa’s hand became possessed by the devil in the gory horror comedy Idle Hands, the composer fantasized wildly of what those demonic digits might be capable of doing under his sheets at night. Movies like Slackers, Final Destination and Extreme Ops solidified Toulouse’s massive crush on the twinkish hunk. Toulouse recently purchased a pillowcase on eBay with a dreamy photo of Sawa and the words “Got Devon” printed on it, which he drools on nightly.
For 69 yr.-old retired accountant Harvey Theryet, the sexiest film star ever was the late Margaret Rutherford, the bulldog-faced British character actress from the 1960s, famous for playing the dogged Agatha Christie detective Miss Marple in several popular films. He remembers how aroused he was during Murder Most Foul, imagining running his hands under Miss Rutherford’s jowls in bed at night. “It made dating difficult because I could never find anyone with just that right touch of hideousness for a mate.” Not surprisingly he lives alone with an unfortunate-looking canine named ‘Maggie’.
“Mickey Rourke makes my hair stand on end,” squeals 48 yr.-old lab technician Ginger Vitas. “Not the studly method-actor Mickey of Rumble Fish or the sexy, dangerous Mickey from 9 1/2 Weeks, but the new, scary, plastic-surgery nightmare Mickey. Give me a man who looks like a burn victim and my pants are around my ankles.”
As somebody’s grandmother must have once said: there’s a lid for every pot.
I miss hearing you on FDS! You make me laugh so hard.