Size Queen Cinema

Why are movies so goddam long? Comic book super hero movies are the worst. Avengers: Infinity War was 149 minutes, Captain America: Civil War was 147 minutes, Batman vs. Superman: Dawn Of Justice was 151 minutes (and should have been cut to 21 minutes). But other blockbusters are also creeping up. Ready Player One was 140 minutes. Mission Impossible: Fallout was 147 minutes. They should hand out Depends with the 3D glasses.

As a child, the word “epic” meant long, boring, sword-and-sandal movies based on some book of the Bible that I had to sit through with my parents. The Ten Commandments, The Greatest Story Ever Told, The Story Of Ruth, The Robe– these were the sweeping costume pageants unraveled on wide screens that were obligatory family viewing. Temples fell, seas parted, idols were smashed. It’s difficult to relate how scary it was watching Victor Mature’s face in Cinemascope as a child. Director Martin Scorsese was inspired by these costume epics- he even re-released a restored El Cid and played it in theaters. But my memories of these long-winded affairs are anything but rose-colored.

I vividly recall my parents dropping me off at the theater to see King Of Kings, starring Jeffrey Hunter as the iridescent blue-eyed Christ. (It was jokingly called I Was A Teenage Jesus at the time). The theater was packed, and it was indeed a serious crowd. I bought some candy at the snack bar and squeezed in alongside a family of religious zealots (who actually all had their hands folded and were praying during the coming attractions). I settled into my seat dispiritedly. After all, I’d heard this story before. But this was the 50’s, and there was the slim hope that giant ants might attack Jerusalem or Jesus might ride off in a hot rod during the final credits. It was during the crucifixion scene that I tilted my box of Jujubes to my lips and one of the filing-ripping candies flew down my throat, causing me to cough into the box- producing a derogatory sound often referred to as a “raspberry.” This while Jesus’ mother was sobbing at her son’s benailed feet. The entire audience turned around and glared at me and I sunk so low in my seat as to become one with the cushion. It was a horrifying moment. One of the kids of the family sitting near me whispered, “You’re going to hell!” which really freaked me out. To me, “epics” now and forever stand for “supreme discomfort in a movie theater.”

In the 50’s, the movie studios were trying desperately to coerce people away from the television, so they tried gimmicks to lure people into theaters. Wide screens, biblical epics, 3D, Cinerama. Something that you couldn’t get on TV. In a way, that’s what’s happening today- with streaming and downloading and audiences owning home theater systems with a Sound Bar- why bother going out to a movie that is over-priced and filled with people texting and talking outload throughout the feature.

I managed a movie theater for 10 years and believe me, I dreaded long movies, It only meant more cans of films to lug up the stairs and staggered screening times that would get me out of the theater at three in the morning. Children Of Paradise was a well-loved staple at the theater, and I learned to hate every frame of that three-hour French mime anthem, not to mention the audiences that flocked to it. Gone With The Wind was another headache. Not the film so much, but the fact that every time we showed it the prints that arrived were so damaged and faded it always meant a nightmare when we screened it. Even a movie I adored- like Curt McDowell’s hilarious porn-y black comedy Thundercrack! depressed me when we showed it at midnight because of its 160-minute running time.

 There have been lengthy films that I love madly. The devastating Chantal Akerman masterpiece- Jeanne Dielman, 23 quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles (201 minutes). The wildly perverse and wonderful Sion Sono film- Love Exposure (237 minutes). The brooding, brilliant Japanese film by Shinji Aoyama– Eureka (217 minutes). Another favorite is the witty French dramedy by Arnaud Desplechin– My Sex Life- Or How I Got Into An Argument (178 minutes).  And can anything be more sublime than Jean Eustache’s ground-breaking The Mother And The Whore (210 minutes)? Top of my “to watch” list is Jacques Rivette’s La Belle Noiseuse (238 minutes). But for the most part, give me a tight 90 minutes of drama, action, horror or comedy and I’m a happy lad. When a stupid family-oriented film about a talking otter lasts over two hours, and children’s attention spans are getting shorter and shorter, it makes parents’ lives a living hell.

There is one happy memory involving a bloated Biblical extravaganza, though. I was living in Provincetown, on Cape Cod, in the 70s. During the winter months, there really wasn’t much to do. So, a local bar used to show free movies. They had bowls of free popcorn at the tables and a portable movie screen on the wall and a 16mm projector to show the films. I remember ambling down to the bar to discover the movie that night was John Huston’s head-scratcher- The Bible: In The Beginning. After a few drinks everything about the movie began to amuse me. From the cute nude Adam (Michael Parks), to the other oddball casting choices like George C. Scott as Abraham, Richard Harris as Cain, Peter O’Toole as The Three Angels and Ava Gardner as Sarah. For once, the 174-minute running time ceased to infuriate me. And the best moment came when my waitress leaned in to get my drink order and whispered, in complete seriousness, “you know, the book is so much better….”