Animal Attraction At The Movies

I like animals alright. I had cats when I was younger. And while I did name them Maggot, Vomit and Pus, I was never intentionally cruel to them. I mean, when one of my cats was perched on my chest, purring contentedly, I never looked at them lustfully, thinking, “I’d like to strap you on.” I’m not that much of a pervert. Unfortunately, at the movies, it has not been so PG.

Bestiality is one of the last taboos in cinema. Movies have covered plenty of outre hijinks, but hot animal love is rare. True, there was that infamous Linda Lovelace loop with a dog. And that controversial Channel 4 production called Hidden Love, Animal Passions (1999) which included an interview with a man in Missouri who unofficially married the love of his life- a pony named Pixel. When Jerry Springer got wind of that sick story, he mounted a show called “I Married A Horse,” which never aired because the producers thought it was way too fucked-up, even for them. So though true stories on the subject occasionally pop up, fictional dramas about the subject are few. But I found them.

The filmmaker Frank Henenlotter, (Basket Case, Brain Damage, Bad Biology), an oracle when it comes to exploitation films, says, “Years from now, historians will look back at the 20^th century and be floored at some of the grotesque spectacles that passed for entertainment: birth reels, a midget Western, V.D. footage, Chesty Morgan, John Holmes’ crank, and, of course, the women-mate-with-gorilla movies, which may be the single most demented genre ever.” These include Ingagi (1930), Forbidden Adventure (1935) and Love Life Of A Gorilla (1937). Plan 9 From Outer Space’s Ed Wood Jr. even worked his fetish for angora sweaters into the screenplay of The Bride And The Beast (1958) about a newlywed wife (Charlotte Austin) who can’t keep her hands off her husband’s pet gorilla.

Voluptuous Prince protégé Vanity (aka D. D. Winters) fantasized herself getting frisky with an ape in the bizarre Tanya’s Island (1980).

But the best is Ron Ormond’s deliriously nutty Untamed Mistress (1956) which mixed footage from the Sabu short Black Panther (minus Sabu) with the tale of a tempestuous sexpot named Velda (Jacqueline Fontaine) who was raised by gorillas. “Which will be her mate- MAN or BEAST?” screamed the ads. In the end a guy in a bad ape costume carries Velda deep into the jungle, where topless native girls dance while anxiously awaiting some fierce monkey business.

When I think of “fun with farm animals” I conjure up Gene Wilder and the sheep he loves in Woody Allen’s Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask (1972). Cookie Mueller and Danny Mills molesting chickens in John Waters’ Pink Flamingos (1972). Edward Albee’s brilliant play The Goat or Who Is Sylvia? There are many, many others. Futz! (1969) is based on an experimental play by Rochelle Owens about a hillbilly town that freaks out when a young man dares to pork his pig. The fun is spotting future stars Frederic Forrest and Sally Kirkland among the Café La Mama Repertory Company.

Wedding Trough (1974) is an arty, dialogue-free, black-and-white Belgian oddity about a pig farmer who makes bacon with his sow. (Just think how different Babe: Pig In The City could have been!)

South American sex goddess Isabel Sarli gets hot and bothered by her racehorse in Fiebre (1970). A jaded host invites his guests down to the stable to watch a nude woman playing with a stallion in Joe D’Amato’s Emanuelle In America (1976). Joe D’Amato (as David Hills) rides again showing a woman performing with a horse at an orgy in The Emperor Caligula: The Untold Story (1982). Dogs diddling dames are depicted in the Swedish film 491 (1964) and also in Jess Franco’s women’s prison flick Sadomania (1981). A pornographer films a lassie with a Lassie in Takashi Miike’s crackpot Dead Or Alive (1999). And the Category III (Hong Kong rating for “adults only”) Asian shocker Horrible High Heels (1996) interrupts a twisted scenario about shoes being made from the hides of humans with a scene of a man making it with a goose. Where the hell is PETA when you need them?

If you really want a scary eye-opener, check out Robinson Devor’s documentary Zoo.

While zoophile narratives are relatively rare, the Internet’s been picking up the film world’s slack. You can surf the Web and fins scores of disgusting sites that offer tips on “how to mount your mare” or “cavorting with canines.” It’s unlikely though that bestiality will creep into mainstream movies any time soon.  I seriously doubt you will see at next year’s Oscar ceremony Jennifer Lawrence winning Best Actress for My Fuck Buddy Flicka.

But what you can do is stage a film festival at home with some of these titles- and show them to your pets. Then you’ll be able to tell them, “That’s what’s going to happen to you if you don’t shape up around here!”