Movie theaters are doing it all wrong. Yes, theater-going is down thanks to streaming. But in the 1950s when theater chains were panicked about the advent of TV they came up with movie gimmicks like 3D and Cinemascope. They even gave out dishes to lure back audiences. Aside from Alamo Drafhouse, where you can get food and drink with your film just by the touch of a button, what have the major chains come up with to combat lackluster crowds? Lounge chairs so comfy that the audience can snooze through the whole movie? Speakers in the back of your seat that blast so unexpectedly loud when there’s an explosion on screen it causes brain aneurisms? The ability to choose your seat ahead of time. Really? That’s supposed to beat out Netflix?
No, theater owners have to be more pro-active. Here are some suggestions to lure back filmgoers.
When there’s a new Avengers, or Spiderman or Wonder Woman or X-Men spin-off, theater chains should threaten their audiences that unless they see the super-hero blockbuster in a theater they will never have the opportunity to ever see it. None of the movies will be released on home video or streamed anywhere. In fact, at the end of the run every single print and negative of the film will be destroyed. Or dumped in landfills in Serbia. And any sneaky internet troll who tries to spoil the plot online will be tracked down, led out of their home in handcuffs and prosecuted to the full extent of Hollywood law.
Now there are plenty of people who would love to change the furniture in their apartment but are too lazy to bother going to all that trouble. Why not proudly publicize outside cinemas that “We Have Bedbugs!!!” Every patron will leave scratching like mad and drag home these pesky critters, infesting their entire apartment. This will force them to throw out all their furniture, hire Roscoe the bug-sniffing dog, and by re-furnishing, get a brand-new look for their home.
Supposedly some theaters offer “pods for two” where couples can snuggle, snack and watch movies together. But why not bring back special midnight screenings where audiences are free to actually have sex in the theater. Imagine how much better Green Book would be if you could get a blow job during it. Or watch the couple next to you attempt to twist their naked bodies into a 69-like sex position. They could even offer special nights for gay men and other screenings for lesbians or Lithuanians to spice up sales.
Some theaters include seats that spritz water and emit smells. But why not liven up the theater during action movies by having chairs capable of actually punching their patrons. Having fist-like hands popping out of the seat to give an undercut or box your ears roundly at intervals. Wouldn’t that be a kick? And during every screening one lucky ticket buyer will get hit over the head with a real hammer by an usher lurking in the shadows. “I lost 4 teeth during the new Fast And The Furious movie!” a theatergoer can brag in an ad for the theater chain.
Before a movie begins there are all these commercials warning patrons to silence their phones and refrain from talking during the movie. But that’s such a losing proposition. Why not embrace technology by encouraging people to talk, text, hell, even “fax” during the movie. Imagine the din as audiences compete with the Dolby soundtrack. The heartbreaking death of a beloved super hero onscreen interrupted by someone shouting over their phone, “what kind of lettuce should I pick up for dinner? Do you want Romaine or Bibb or Boston or Iceberg lettuce? Or should I just get Kale? You’ll have to speak louder- Wolverine is getting killed on screen.”
Maybe theaters should accept “streaming” in sneaky ways. For instance, when the new season of Stranger Things debuts on Netflix, movie theaters can have word-of-mouth, secret, dusk-to-dawn marathons streaming every episode on the big screen. Imagine the fun of experiencing that show with a packed, enthusiastic crowd? It would be delirious. And wasn’t that what going to the movies was all about? That communal experience. That shared excitement. Screaming together. Weeping together. Laughing together. There’s nothing more depressing to me than the image of someone staring down into a tiny screen when all around them life is happening without them.
Love it!