Now, we don’t watch cheesy horror and sci-fi movies for the witty, sparkling repartee. But occasionally one of these low budget wonders lets loose with dialogue that makes you laugh out loud. Over the years, I keep a notepad ready to jot down some of my favorite. Here goes:
“Crazy or not, anyone needing drugs doesn’t send a monster to the drugstore.” (The Curious Dr. Humpp).
“I’ll tell you one thing. If that rocket comes down on a populated area…it won’t be good.” (Monster from Green Hell).
“Christopher, I’ve just thrown a head of cabbage at a cat!” (The Tomb of Ligeia).
“You’re too smart for me, baby. I like ‘em stupid.” (Cat-Women of the Moon).
“These days they blame the atom for everything. Bed health, bad crops, bad weather. Now it’s grasshoppers.” (Beginning of the End).
“Aw man, you’re jivin’ me! Look, man, I don’t mind bein’ a vampire and shit, but this really ain’t hip!” (Scream, Blacula, Scream).
“Your mother ate my dog!” “Not all of it.” (Dead Alive).
“You’ve always treated me as a monster, Trudy. Now you’re going to be one.” (Frankenstein’s Daughter).
“I’m not losing my daughter to a God-damned nine-hundred-year-old-goat-head!” (Dolly Dearest).
“Please leave, I want to be alone with Konga.” (Konga).
“Quick, get her to a doctor. And send the clowns in.” (Circus of Horrors).
“Led Zeppelin was wrong, man. There is no stairway to heaven!” (Soultaker).
“Just because poisons exist, is no reason to use them.” (The Tingler).
“A colossal freak, Major, and he’s my brother!” (War of the Colossal Beast).
“It’s my birthday and I don’t want to go to a mental hospital!” (Slumber Party Massacre II).
“You may know about corpses, fella, but you’ve got a lot to learn about women.” (Autopsy).
“Speak. I know you have a civil tongue in your head because I sewed it back myself.” (I was a Teenage Frankenstein).
“Don’t you ever touch the sacrificial fluids…okeydokey?” (Thou Shalt Not Kill…Except).
“She got lost in the pyramids. The mummy will have her for supper!” “Oh, the poor kid!” (Wrestling Women vs. the Aztec Mummy).
“They’re dead. They’re…..all messed up.” (Night of the Living Dead).
“You’re one of the many bits of offal produced by the welfare state. You’re what so much of my tax dollars goes to the care and feeding of.” (Lady in a Cage).
“You know, I think I like you better when you’re sloppy drunk and violent. That’s the real you, and that’s the one I like, the one that hates me and gives me a chance to hate back.” (The Leech Woman).
“When I’m sitting with you, I don’t even think about slime people….” (The Slime People).
“It’s getting so it ain’t even safe to be dead!” (The Return of the Vampire).
‘You’re doing what? Are you mad? You mean you want to conduct peace negotiations with bugs?” (The Bees).
“Oh, he’ll be alright. He’s got a bad blow on the head, suffering from shock, mashed hands. But I can’t find much other damage.” (The Monster of Piedras Blancas).
“My, what a big bat.” (Dracula)
“It seems the more he melts, the stronger he gets.” (The Incredible Melting Man).
“Once they were men. Now they’re land crabs.” (Attack of the Crab Monsters).
“Let us eat. Then we will transplant the brain.” (Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell).
“Where the hell did you get those goddam chickens?” (The Food of the Gods).
“Science is science, but a girl has to have her hair done.” (Tarantula).
“We’ve got two perfect specimens: a retarded man who’s of no use to anyone and a homicidal maniac who’ll be dead in a minute anyway. Such an opportunity may never come again!” (The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant).
“It’s bad enough to accept a musician into this family, but a jazz musician is asking too damn much.” (Tormented).
“Jumping wontons!” (She Demons).
“Don’t you like my little maggots? Oh, well, I understand. Mother didn’t like them either. Heil Hitler!” (Flesh Feast).
“Sorry about your dad, kid, but people get killed in this town every day. That’s Hollywood!” (The Tomb).
“These bodies are uncomfortable and fall apart in such a short time and their intelligence is low, but they do manage to enjoy themselves!” (I Married a Monster from Outer Space).
“Would you allow me to come to your house and, in your presence, anesthetize your wife?” (Unearthly Stanger).
“You’re so bossy you ought to be milked before you come home at night.” (Robot Monster).
“Dad’s all torn up and Mom’s got, like, a harpoon in her neck.” (Critters)
“Well, as a scientist I am more interested in things with six legs than two. No doubt, I am in the minority” (The Woman Eater).
“Every bone in his body must be broken, but I’m not sure that’s what killed him.” (It! The Terror from Outer Space).
“Very sad case. A case not infrequent in this supersonic age we live in.” (Attack of the 50 Foot Woman).
“You used your own granddaughter to give birth to a race of army elves?” (Elves).
“I understand what the whale is feeling, ‘cause the same thing happened to me.” (Orca).
“It’s great to eat under an open sky, even if it is radioactive.” (Panic in Year Zero).
“The town is infested with man-eating cockroaches. Repeat: man-eating cockroaches!” (Damnation Alley).
“I’ve seen some mighty big chicken hawks back on the farm. But this one takes the cake!“ (The Giant Claw).
“I know what. Why don’t we psychoanalyze the monster? Maybe it’s mother was scared by an oak tree.” (From Hell It Came).
“There is a herd of killer rabbits heading this way!” (Night of the Lepus).
“Honey, I was wondering….um….do you have two of anything else?” (The Thing with Two Heads).
“I hate her. I hate dat qveen.” (Queen of Outer Space).
Thanx.I feel much better now!
Ahh, the monsters of the past (pre-computer generation) are sublime!