VHS Armageddon

Contrary to popular belief your life does not flash before your eyes at the moment of death.

I discovered this the hard way while standing on a step ladder to check out my VHS copy of The Night God Screamed (starring Jeanne Crain as a woman terrorized by a Manson-like cult). The whole wall of tapes came crashing down, pinning me to the floor for several hours. I lay there immobile under hundreds of well-worn cassettes that I’ve been unable to throw away, even though the movies themselves have mostly been replaced by better-looking DVDs and Blu-rays. I just don’t have the heart to throw out those large box VHS because of their wonderfully lurid covers, and the memories of years searching through bins of used tapes and discovering them (like diamonds in the trash).

But now, buried under an avalanche of them I kept thinking of Audrey Meadows’s tart rejoinder in That Touch Of Mink: “He’s so low, when they bury him they’ll have to dig up.” I experienced a dizzying range of emotions. First panic, then anger (mostly aimed at myself for not heeding friends’ warnings about the weight of all those videos on the wall), then resignation. I was doubtful that anyone would come to my rescue, but as I lay there, staring up at the cracked-plaster ceiling, a great calm washed over me. So this is how it all ends, entombed under Three On A Meathook. There won’t be a straight face at my funeral.

I decided to make the best of the remaining time by contemplating my life, my accomplishments, and the people I loved. That took five minutes. Then I decided to slowly pick, one-by one, the tapes away in order to extricate myself from this mess.

Why, if it’s isn’t Revenge Of Dr. X. I remember finding this at an old Entertainment Warehouse downtown. There’s a blonde girl screaming and a bloody knife of the cover. On the back of the VHS they describe the wrong movie- actually a Filipino horror movie starring John Ashley. Revenge Of Dr. X supposedly originated from a script by Ed Wood Jr. called Venus Fly Trap and it’s a hilariously oddball film about an incredibly grumpy rocket scientist/botanist (played by James Craig). Heading to Japan for a well-deserved rest (by way of North Carolina for some inexplicable reason), bringing with him a Venus fly trap he discovered near a snake farm (don’t ask). When he gets to Japan he fuses it with another underwater aquatic plant and creates a giant carnivorous monster who starts eating puppies and small children until it is chased up a live volcano by angry villagers wielding torches. Yes, it is that insane. But funny as hell. James Craig plays the mad scientist as such a short-fused, hotheaded asshole. There’s a moment when he even yells at his own mutant creation, “Your mother was the earth! The rain your blood! The lightening your power! Ah ha ha ha!”

And here’s Flesh Feast, the last movie of Veronica Lake, who memorably wore her long blonde hair over one side of her face and was brilliant in movies like Sullivan’s Travels and I Married A Witch. She had such a sly and wonderful way with comedy. Unfortunately, she cut her hair during World War II to encourage women working for the war effort, and without that trademark look her career dissolved. It’s rather tragic to see her in this movie playing a scientist working with maggots in order to revive Adolf Hitler, but I remember squealing with joy when I found this in a used bin.

Oh, good heavens, here’s Night Of The Blood Apes. I remember seeing this movie in a theater in New Orleans and was confounded that this Mexican film combined lady wrestling, a murderous gorilla and lots of actual open-heart surgery footage. Such memories…

Here’s a horror movie starring a frequent star in films by Luis Bunuel– Fernando Rey called Violent Blood Bath. What the hell was that about? The box has a macabre cover with Rey holding a female victim at knifepoint but I’ll be damned if I remember what the plot was. Well, I always said it was smart collecting all these movies because when I finally became senile they would all seem new to me. I guess the time has come.

Oh mercy, here’s the big VHS box of Song Of The Loon, that 1969 soft-core version of author Richard Amory’s gay classic about frontiersmen in the old west and the love they shared that dare not say its name. Morgan Royce played the blonde, handsome Ephraim and Jon Iverson is Cyrus, and the box warns that the film is not hard-core porn. But there is a lot of nude frolicking, and with Native Americans too. I just remember groaning through this. I suppose if you were a kid and got a boner watching Bonanza, this might appeal to you. Supposedly the author of the book was just as displeased. But there’s something ludicrous about owning it.

 

What’s this? Bummer. Love that title. If memory serves, the movie is about a stupid rock band called The Group and a sleazy bass player/rapist who invites tragedy. I recall a silly montage with three couples frolicking in the forest, but mostly liked it because of the fabulous Carol Speed (Abby). She livened up every low-budget exploitation movie she was in, from Disco Godfather to The Big Bird Cage, and eventually became a successful singer, songwriter and author. She was the best.

Mystery Of The Leaping Fish! I forgot about this one. It’s a 1916 Douglas Fairbanks Sr. silent 25-minute film about a detective called “Coke Ennyday” who combats smugglers with his speedy needle injections, and has a clock on his wall that tells him when it’s time for Drinks, Dope, Sleep & Eat. It’s the first cocaine comedy I guess. How much did I pay for this oddity? As I survey this mountainous pile it’s hard to fathom how much of my paycheck went to enable my movie-collecting habit. In terms of addictions I guess being a “videot” is pretty low on the scale. Wonder what the rehab facilities would have been like?

I Dismember Mama. What a great title. I remember staring in astonishment at the poster in front of the theater and laughing my head off. It was directed by Paul Leder and starred a memorable Zooey Hall playing a psychotic killer bumping off “impure women” in Hollywood. I think the original title was Poor Albert And Little Annie, which is so boring compared to I Dismember Mama. Does he even dismember his mother in the film? I can’t for the life of me remember.

The Cross And The Switchblade? This was the fact-based story of a crusading minister who injects himself in New York’s inner city in an attempt to lead young people away from violent gangs. Erik Estrada even stars as the leader of the Mau-Maus. And who plays the minister? Pat Boone, the squeaky-clean singer who turned to movies, religion and politics. I hate that homophobic asshole. Why would I buy this? I guess for the joke value. But, really?

I know why I bought Dementia 13. I think I have numerous copies (in different formats) because I loved that movie so much when I saw it on a double bill with The Terror (starring Boris Karloff) as a youngster. Directed by Francis Ford Coppola (and produced by Roger Corman) it’s about a series of axe murders around at a gloomy mansion in Ireland. I think I saw it several times the first week it played I was so impressed with the look and feel of the movie, and I still re-watch it with pleasure. It’s always interesting to see the verve and imagination of early films by great directors.

Headless Eyes…God, I forgot about that one. It’s about a starving artist who turns to burglary and unfortunately gets his eye plucked out during a robbery. He turns to killing, scooping out his victims’ eyeballs and turning them into artistic mobiles. It’s a pretty terrible movie but kind of wonderful too. And the box cover is so lurid it makes me berserk.

Attack Of The Beast Creatures– how insane this made me when I first saw it. Supposedly set in the roaring 20’s (so the actors could wear vintage clothes) it’s about a group shipwrecked on an island filled with little toothy creatures that attack them. The “beasts” reminded me so much of the doll that attacks Karen Black in Trilogy Of Terror, but funnier. The big attack on the group near a stream is required viewing it’s so hilarious. And when one of the castaways announces that there are “hundreds of them!” you barely can count 10. Love this film.

 

Was The Spectre of Edgar Allan Poe actually a PG film? It says so on the VHS box but it’s a picture of a man with an axe in his face. How about playing this for the tykes on a double bill with Frozen?

Grave Of The Vampire. Now that’s quite a cover too. Wasn’t that the one about the vampire baby who feeds on bottles of blood withdrawn from his now insane mother? Good Lord!

Single Room Furnished was a 1968 film starring Jayne Mansfield playing three separate women; a showcase for her acting ability. It was directed by Jayne’s then-husband Matt Cimber and was, sadly, her final film before her tragic death at age 34. Famed columnist Walter Winchell opens the film doing a monologue about how talented and smart Mansfield was. I always marveled at Jayne for her expert comic timing. Anyone who saw her in The Wayward Bus and The Burglar could plainly see her range. I’m happy to discover this VHS actually- I should watch this again (if I ever got out of here).

Pushing asides VHS tapes of movies like Bay Of Blood, Parasite (a 3D sci-fi movie starring Demi Moore, Vampire Hookers, The Fat Spy, Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde, Two Thousand Maniacs, Frankenstein Island, The Pink Angels, Mad Doctor Of Blood Island (that’s the Filipino horror movie where the audience was given little vials of green blood to drink when they entered the theater), Bigfoot, Satan’s Sadists, Drive-In Massacre, The Corpse Grinders, 3 Nuts In Search Of A Bolt (with Mamie Van Doren), Shriek Of The Mutilated, all of a sudden I began to wriggle free from the pile of video boxes.

I was so overjoyed I went into the kitchen to brew a big pot of tea. It was actually nice trundling down memory lane with all these sleazy wonders.

What did I do next? Alphabetized the tapes and put them right back up on the wall, where they will always belong.