Moviegoing For Dummies

Maybe there should be a test that audiences take for the privilege of seeing a movie. Why not? You have to take lessons to get a driver’s license. Adopting a pet means submitting to a rigorous screening process. Something has to be done to curb the dumbing down of movie audiences, because one shouldn’t have to suffer opening the paper on Monday to see that the top-grossing film over the weekend was based on the board game- Chutes & Ladders. Here’s a simple test to determine if you’re worthy enough to be allowed to see the rollicking remake of Renoir’s The Rules Of the Game starring Kevin Hart, Judi Dench and Jean-Claude Van Damme.

What makes you decide to see a movie?

• I read the review in the paper.
• I checked it out on Rotten Tomatoes.
• After consulting with my emotional support animal.

Who writes the big summer blockbusters?

• Pulitzer-Prize-Winning Authors.
• A team of Hollywood hacks.
• Howler monkeys.

What Does It Take To Raise Money For A Movie?

• Talent, imagination and a good script.
• A wealthy father.
• A distended anus.

Orson Welles was…?

• A cancelled nighttime soap.
• A brand of cheese.
• A director of some note.

Test-screening a film is:

• Helpful in gauging reactions and fine-tuning a movie.
• Letting morons alter the fate of a film they would never pay to see in the first place.
• A victimless crime.

What makes for great comedy?

• Fart jokes.
• Tiffany Haddish.
• Maggie Smith slipping on a banana peel.

I love going to the movies:

• For that collective moviegoing experience.
• For the popcorn.
• For the sex.

My favorite type of movie is:

• Action films.
• Indie dramas that were a hit at Sundance.
• Holocaust comedies.

I prefer seeing movies:

• In a theater.
• On Netflex.
• In a landfill.

I am most looking forward to:

• Mary Poppins Returns with Emily Blunt.
• Star Wars: Episode IX.
• Disney’s live action- Lady And The Motherfucking Tramp.

“In the can” is:

• Where you put loose change.
• A cinematic term referring to a film’s completion.
• A vulgar homosexual expression.

I prefer my theater equipped with:

• Digital DTS sound.
• SDDS (Sony Dynamic Sound).
• A topless jug band.

Disney is:

• Synonymous with wholesome family entertainment.
• A frightening, all-devouring conglomerate.
• An ugly child’s name.

My favorite movie sequel is:

• The Godfather, Part II.
• The Dark Knight.
• Leprechaun IV.

My all-time favorite male director is:

• Martin Scorsese.
• Alfred Hitchcock.
• Pauly Shore.

Movies today need more:

• African American films.
• Female directors.
• Kardashians.

My idea of a great actress is:

• Meryl Streep.
• Viola Davis.
• Tara Reid.

I think movies should teach us:

• Insight into other people and their cultures.
• How to respect others, and their beliefs.
• How to spot ripe fruit.

My favorite last line in a film is:

• “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” (Casablanca).
• “Well, nobody’s perfect.” (Some Like It Hot).
• “I came.” (Happiness).

I like to come out of a movie with:

• A smile on my lips.
• A song in my heart.
• A stolen wallet.
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