10 Movies I’m Still Too Scared To See

            I always thought author Thomas Hardy was one gloomy Gus, but I do agree with a quote attributed to him: “Fear is the mother of foresight.” Because there are some movies I have never had the guts to see. Sometimes the title scared me off. Sometimes the subject matter. Sometimes just because Red Skelton starred in it. I have enough nightmares in my life. I don’t need any more good reasons to jump off the Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge. Here are a few that I never will see because just the thought of them terrifies me to my stupid core.

            Scudda Hoo! Scudda Hay! (1948) That title! I could never ever say it out loud. It just sounds too idiotic. This warm-hearted comedy stars June Haver and is about a bunch of farmers. One nicknamed “Snug” played by Lon McCallister (who I admit to having impure thought about) who buys two mules named Crowder and Moonbeam. I could only get that far in the plot synopsis before wanting to reach for a bottle of moonshine.

            A Night at the Roxbury (1998) There are too many hellishly bad movies based on Saturday Night Live comic bits (Coneheads, The Ladies Man, It’s Pat: The Movie) but the idea of a stretched-out feature from a skit where two idiots (Chris Kattan, Will Ferrell) in flashy suits who think they are God’s gift to women bob their head in synch to music is a scary thought. The movie is supposed to be about their big dream of owning the nightclub The Roxbury. I’m not laughing already.

            Soul Man (1986) C. Thomas Howell plays an entitled rich kid who wants to get into Harvard so badly be pretends to be black in order to get a full scholarship. Dear God- imagine this movie opening today. The theater would be burned to the ground. Even when it opened I was too appalled to see it. 

            I Dood It (1943) I truly hate Red Skelton. I have hated him since I was a child. And his frantic comic antics on film always make me sprint screaming from the room. Now here is a musical comedy where he plays a fan of a Broadway star (sublime Eleanor Powell). What hurts is that it is directed by Vincente Minnelli (who I adore) and also co-stars singers Lena Horne, Hazel Scott and band leader Jimmy Dorsey. Even with those seductive inclusions the thought of watching Skelton mug shamelessly for 102 agonizing minutes is too much to bear.

            The Maltese Bippy (1969) Attempting to transition the comic team of Dan Rowan & Dick Martin (whose Laugh-In TV show was a gigantic hit) into films. Here they play guys who make softcore porn who become prime suspects in a murder. Sock it to me. This sounds like the complete opposite of funny, much the way I always felt about Laugh-In at the time.

            Mac and Me (1988) Steven Spielberg’s E.T. spawned many cinematic rip-offs but this one was the brain child of McDonald’s which makes it even more odious. A little alien escapes its capture by NASA and climbs into the van of a mother and two sons. One of the kids Eric (Jade Calegory) is in a wheelchair and befriends the sweet other-worldly thing, which he names MAC (Mysterious Alien Creature). Supposedly the creature has a big dance scene in a McDonald’s restaurant. I’m surprised they didn’t hand out fries with each ticket. Just the trailer made me want to go to Burger King.

            Doctor, You’ve Got to be Kidding! (1967) Sandra Dee plays a young secretary for a wealthy man (permanently tanned George Hamilton) who dreams of being a singer. She gets knocked-up and three suitors offer to marry her. No wonder Sandra Dee drank.

            Zebra in the Kitchen (1965) A kiddie film that stars permanently bitter ex-child star Jay North (Dennis the Menace) as a tyke who is unhappy at the way animals are confined at a local zoo and so he frees them. Comic shenanigans ensue with townspeople confronting wild animals in their home. It also stars Martin Milner (the not-cute one from TV’s Route 66). I don’t care if there is a fucking elephant in the pantry. Or a baboon in the bathroom. Or a hyena in the hall closet. It just sound horrible.

            The Wicked Dreams of Paula Schultz (1968) Elke Sommer plays an East German Olympic hopeful who pole-vaults over the Berlin Wall to freedom in West Germany. Notorious pervert Bob Crane (Hogan’s Heroes) plays a black-market trader who hides her out. Just that description alone makes me want to pole-vault into a brick wall.

            The Wackiest Ship in the Army (1960) Based on a real ship that originated in New Zealand which became part of the US Navy that helped win the Battle of the Bismarck Sea. it stars Jack Lemmon (hadn’t he done enough comic seaman films?). It also co-stars Ricky Nelson. Sure, I’d love to see 50s dreamboat singer Ricky Nelson (of The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet fame). But he’s not nude in the movie so why should I care? And to be honest I have never felt “wacky” once in my 73 years on this rotten planet.