There were certainly movies about criminal couples on the run before Bonnie And Clyde captivated audiences in 1968, but that controversial surprise hit became such a cultural phenomenon that it spawned countless imitators. Down the line many similarly themed movies like Badlands, Thelma & Louise, Natural Born Killers, even Francois Ozon’s Criminal Lovers have successfully riffed on the duo-on-the-lam premise, but there have also been plenty of ill-conceived spin-offs. Here are five of my favorite bone-headed Bonnie and Clydes:
Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry (1974). Peter Fonda stars as Larry, a cocky stock car racer who robs a SaveMart with his mechanic Deke (Adam Roarke). Annoying loudmouth Mary (Susan George) hitches a ride with them, and, pursued by the cops, they haul ass across the countryside in a souped-up blue 1968 Chevy. “Do you remember Robert Mitchum in Thunder Road? I’m gonna powder his face!” Fonda brags as they outrun the authorities and try (unsuccessfully) to dump motormouth Mary at every crossroad. They even derisively refer to her as “Dingleberry.” Just when they’re in the clear and Fond triumphantly exclaims, “Ain’t nothin’ gonna stop us,” a train slams into them. The End, thank God.
Little Laura And Big John (1973). This film is based on the true exploits of the Ashley Gang, a criminal posse that roamed the Everglades in the boring 1920s. Former ‘50s teen heartthrob Fabian Forte, who once posed buck naked for Playgirl magazine, plays the “complex, perhaps misunderstood young man,” John Ashley, who, with his childhood sweetheart Laura (Karen Black), terrorized the Pampano, Florida area robbing banks, hijacking and rum-running with a gang so stupid they shoot out one of John’s eyes by accident. Fabian wears an eye patch and Black wears lots of mascara, affects a bad Southern drawl, and drunkenly sings “Swing Low Sweet Chariot.”
Bobbie Jo And The Outlaw (1976) In this violent crime drama by Mark L. Lester (Class of 1984), Lynda “Wonder Woman” Carter gets topless as Bobbie Jo James, a bored New Mexican carhop who dreams of being a country-western star. She is swept off her feet by a car thief and sharpshooter who models himself after Billy the Kid named Lyle Wheeler (played by former child evangelist turned bad actor Marjoe Gortner). In no time he’s got her naked in a creek doing psychedelic mushrooms and teaching her how to shoot a gun. “It’s just like praying,” he coaches. They hook up with her sister Pearl (Merrie Lyn Rossi) and a cowboy shit-kicker named Slick (Jesse Vint) and rob a lot of banks, leaving a trail of bodies behind them. “I made him dance, didn’t I?” Bobbie Jo gloats after blowing away a lawman.
Lewis & Clark & George (1997). The kind of crappy movie you find on cable at 4 in the morning and keep coming back to, like a loose tooth. Two moronic escaped convicts Lewis (The Doom Generation’s Salvator Xuereb) and Clark (Dan Gunther), set out for New Mexico, following a map to a purported gold mine. Along the way they rob an alcoholic cowboy preacher named Reverend Red (James Brolin) and pick up a cigar-smoking, mute hitch-hiker named George (Rose McGowan), who turns out to be more trouble than they bargained for. George sleeps with Clark to get the map, carries a bag containing a rare, stolen, very poisonous snake, and occasionally lip-synchs to Connie Francis singing “Where The Boys Are.” Trigger-happy Clark shoots a mailman, a state trooper (played by the late, great Paul Bartel), and a van full of annoying New York tourists.
Teenage Bonnie And Klepto Clyde (1993) Party Of Five cutie Scott Wolf plays a fry cook and shoplifter named Clyde who sees his “destiny” in Bonnie (Maureen Flannigan), the rebellious hellcat daughter of the police commissioner. They rob a check-cashing place and roll around nude on the money. She steals her daddy’s machine gun and calls Clyde her “pistol-packing sex outlaw.” Looking so clean-cut it’s ludicrous, they force delinquent Bentley Mitchum (the grandson of Robert Mitchum) to be their get-away driver and are pursued by Saturday Night Live’s Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) as Sanchez, the cop. “I love the shit out of you,” Clyde romantically tells Bonnie before they get gunned down in slow motion. Which proves that crime- and shameless stealing from better movies- doesn’t pay.