Queer Eye For The Closeted Guy

With the reboot of Will & Grace and Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, not to mention Boys In The Band on Broadway, is it any wonder there’s a rush on city hall for same-sex marriage licenses. Quite frankly, I think Jeffrey Dahmer was the best thing that ever happened to gay people. At least then straight people were frightened of gays, not asking them to pick out their clothes or suggest a nice skin moisturizer. Because of Queer Eye’s popularity, gays have become human Furbies- cuddly, loveable creatures with a sense of flair and acid tongues. Everybody wants one as a pet. I remember becoming so furious reading a book by Jason Bergund and Beverly West– Gay Cinematherapy: The Queer Guy’s Guide To Finding Your Rainbow One Movie At A Time. Flipping through it, you get the impression that gay men have to be told to rent Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? Because they’re too clueless to recognize its camp value for themselves.

But what’s been forgotten in all this gay-ification of mainstream culture is the plight of the poor closet case- the guy so terrified of his own homosexuality that he’ll spend hours drinking with chums in a dreary sports bar when he’d rather be doing bumps of Special K and dancing shirtless at the Black Party. Pity this unfortunate one, the man who makes out with a woman while helplessly fantasizing about her brother. The one who couldn’t wait to see the movie Troy, not because he likes Homer but because he’s a homo. What about him? Where is his reality-based series? How about when he and his girlfriend are sitting on the couch streaming movies? Is there anything to choose that will please her but also satisfy the power bottom hidden deep within him? In attempt to help I’ve assembled a handy list of movies for the closeted male.

Fight Club. Brad Pitt appears at his scruffiest and sexiest in this surreal head-butting classic.

Any Given Sunday. Oliver Stone’s football film features a semi-nude Jamie Foxx and a locker-room scene with a sweet full frontal penis shot.

Jackass: The Movie. Hilarious movie version of Johnny Knoxville’s MTV show that has so many jockstrapped and nude boys doing stupid stunts it’s a closet case wet dream.

Jeepers Creepers 2. A busload of hot basketball players are menaced by a winged monster with an eye for boy flesh. If you have the DVD check out the deleted scenes and watch the camera glide lovingly over the bodies of shirtless lads sunning themselves on the roof of the bus.

Prince Of Persia. Get serious- why else would you watch this stinker except to drool over Jake Gyllenhaal’s buff body.

Joy Ride. A crazed trucker stalks a bunch of kids driving cross-country. In one memorable scene, he forces the two hunky stars (Paul Walker and Steve Zahn) to strip and march naked into a restaurant.

Oz. Tell your girlfriend you like this HBO series because of the violence, when you’re really all about watching Christopher Meloni piss in a bucket and make out with Lee Tergesen.

Rapa Nui. You can pretend you really want to learn the history of Easter Island, when what you really want to do is watch a barely clothed Jason Scott Lee and nearly nude Esai Morales race up a mountain balancing a stupid egg on their heads.

Starship Troopers. In Paul Verhoeven’s loony space saga soldiers fight to save Earth from giant intergalactic bugs, There’s also plenty of male nudity, especially from cute Casper Van Dien.

Swimfan. A psychotic girl makes life hell for a promising young swimmer (Jesse Bradford) in this teen Fatal Attraction. But who cares about that when there’s all that wet-Speedo eye candy.

The Brothers. Yeah it’s a stupid comedy about dudes with commitment issues…but it’s also got the criminally handsome Morris Chestnut and Shemar Moore.

Top Gun. There’s tons of risible, homoerotic subtext to chew on in this flyboy epic, starring both Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer.

The Pillow Book. Ewan McGregor, whose been unabashedly naked in a lot of films is at his most gloriously nude in this arty, strange film about body calligraphy.

Crank. Jason Statham, who looks like a walking penis anyway, wakes up to find he has to keep his adrenaline pumping or his heart will explode in this high-octane action classic. Whether having sex with a girl in Chinatown or escaping in a revealing hospital gown, Statham is closet case fantasy gold.

Immortals. If you go in for beefbag cinema and have wearied of 300, seeing Henry Cavill shirtless is one of the wonders of the civilized world in this swords & sandal epic.

Everybody Wants Some!! Richard Linklater’s rude-boy comedy of a bunch of college baseball players in 1980 was so infused with homo-eroticism it was startling.

Vision Quest. This Matthew Modine wrestling movie includes lots of teens stripping down for weigh-in scenes and handsome teammates like Sixteen Candles hottie Michael Schoeffling.

White Squall. Eight male high school students bond on an ill-fated sea voyage. With Scott Wolf, Jeremy Sisto, Ryan Phillippe, Balthazar Getty and plenty of storm-related wet-T-shirt sequences. They should have retitled this Chicken Of The Sea.

Youngblood. Five simple words: Rob Lowe in a jockstrap. Ditto- Michael Ontkean in Slap Shot.

Eastern Promises. Viggo Mortentenson has a prolonged naked fight in a Turkish bath that is hot as it is scary.

Bronson. Tom Hardy plays one of Britain’s most violent prisoners and is like a walking fist in the movie. Fortunately for the closet case, he is frequently full-frontally nude.

Trois 2: Pandora’s Box. Monica Calhoun stars as a therapist bored with her good-looking husband (Kristoff St. John) who goes to a secret sex club and meets impossibly hot men (Michael Jai White, Tyson Beckford).

The Dreamers. Bernardo Bertolucci’s look at a young man (Michael Pitt) hanging with a hedonistic brother and sister (Louis Garrel & Eva Green) during the 1968 Paris strikes was incredibly evocative and sexy.

Y Tu Mama Tambien. An older woman (Maribel Verdu) seduces two teen boys (Gael Garcia Bernal & Diego Luna) in a movie that is ripe with hidden desires.

Now if you want to binge-watch a series, for God’s sake pick Strike Back– it’s a nerve-shredding action show about a Special Ops group but the two leads Sullivan Stapleton and Philip Winchester are studly and frequently out of their clothes. For serious closet cases, that may be more than enough.