My idea of hell is being ball-gagged and strapped to a chair while a gaggle of obnoxious children in choir robes scream The 12 Days of Christmas in my face. Even my mother would bristle with fury when that tune came on the radio. “God, I hate that song,” she would shudder. Yes, I do play holiday music at this time of year. But usually they’re CDs like James Brown’s Funky Christmas or Al Green’s White Christmas album or my favorite- A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector. But there are other more discordant tunes that make me happy during the yuletide season. The kind that always makes me joyously laugh out loud. Someone accused me of listening to them because I was laughing at them, but it’s not true. Listening to characters like Mrs. Miller, Tiny Tim and Wing fills my heart with great affection for these unique oddballs.
Mrs. Miller: Here Comes Santa Claus. Elva Ruby Miller was a Missouri-born, self-taught mezzo-Soprano who was discovered by Laugh-In announcer Gary Owens and cut several off-key albums where she warbled out her unique interpretation of songs like Downtown, Yellow Submarine and Monday, Monday to the delight of audiences. Sure, she was a joke, but she got to appear of the Ed Sullivan Show and even appeared in a goofy teen movie starring Roddy McDowall called The Cool Ones. I bought her every record and just adored her. A Christmas Gift from Mrs. Miller is one of the rarest and her version of Here Come Santa Claus warms my black heart.
Listen to it HERE.
Wing: Silent Night. Wing Han Tsang was born in Hong Kong but took up singing as a hobby when she moved to New Zealand. Entertaining patients at several hospitals she was encouraged to cut a CD and her debut, heavily laden with Andrew Lloyd Weber songs, became an instant cult hit. I remember buying a CD of her early on before South Park included her in one of their shows, and I used to delight friends with her deranged versions of Memory, The Music of the Night and Don’t Cry for Me Argentina. Wing may have retired from singing in 2015 but she left us with this indelible version of Silent Night.
Listen to it HERE.
Tiny Tim: White Christmas. Herbert Butros Khoury was born in Manhattan and became obsessed with early 30s music when his father got him a 78-RPM record player. Adept at playing the violin, mandolin and ukulele. He made a name for himself (under his new persona Tiny Tim) by singing songs like Tiptoe Through the Tulips in Greenwich Village clubs. His first album God Bless Tiny Tim was a surprise hit and he was on TV all the time, even marrying 17-year old Victoria Budinger (Miss Vicki) live on Johnny Carson’s The Tonight Show. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen him playing a crazed clown in the 1987 horror film Blood Harvest. But I’ll take his version of White Christmas over Bing Crosby’s any day.
Listen to it HERE.
Willian Hung: Little Drummer Boy. William Hung was a Hong Kong-born American motivational speaker who made an infamous name for himself on the third season of American Idol performing an ear-bleeding version of Ricky Martin’s She Bangs. Judge Simon Cowell in a typically snarky fashion dismissed his performance with “You can’t sing, you can’t dance, so what do you want me to say?” But Hung gained a cult following, appearing on Jimmy Kimmel and Howard Stern’s radio show. He did cut a CD, but by then the joke had worn out its welcome. You have to admit this is Little Drummer Boy like nothing else.
Listen to it HERE
The Three Stooges: I Got a Cold for Christmas. The comedy trio who started in vaudeville and based their humor on physical violence and pratfalls is, I’ll admit, an acquired taste. But their many short-subject comedies for Columbia Studios are often disarmingly hilarious. The trio included Moe Howard, Larry Fine and their third was Shemp Howard. After Shemp left, Jerry Howard (Curly) joined the act to great success. After Curly left, due to ill health, Shemp returned and after his sudden death Joe Besser joined the merry band to lesser effect. They did cut a lot of novelty records and this Christmas album with I Got a Cold for Christmas is memorably cracked.
Listen to it HERE.
William Shatner: Jingle Bells. Canadian-born actor who achieved fame playing Captain Kirk on the beloved sci-fi series Star Trek. Television was good to Shatner, from T. J. Hooker, Rescue 911 and his memorable lawyer Denny Crane on the last season of The Practice. He recently blasted off in space in 2020 at age 90. But his recording career was not so celestial. His 1968 album The Transformed Man includes his staggeringly deadpan versions of Mr. Tambourine Man and Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. He hosted a sci-fi award show on TV and performed his inimitable version of Elton John’s Rocket Man, and bootlegged videotapes of that have circled the planet ever since. Listen to him mangle Jingle Bells.
Listen to it HERE.
Alice Cooper: Santa Claus is Coming to Town. I remember seeing the Alice Cooper band in the 70s and their shock rock shows had a fun, ghoulish theatricality- with bloody baby dolls and electric chairs on stage. A later show even included a guillotine. But it is hard to imagine an audience clamoring for a Christmas album from the group. His growly, scary version of Santa Claus is Coming to Town includes ominous asides like, “He knows where you live. He knows your window’s open. He knows what’s under your bed…”
Listen HERE.
David Hasselhoff: The Night Before Christmas. What can one say about the “Hof”? This renaissance actor who went from soap operas to TV stardom in Knight Rider and Baywatch proved he was more than just a handsome face by embarking on a musical career, cutting records, and performing live concerts. And, of course, cutting a Christmas album. In The Night Before Christmas he tries to calm down his excitable children at bedtime by reading them their favorite book which he does with grueling sincerity and tediousness.
Listen HERE.
Regis Philbin: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Regis Philbin’s extraordinary long career on television awarded him the nickname as “the hardest working man in show business.” Was there anything he couldn’t do? Game shows? Talk shows? Working with Kathie Lee Gifford? His regular guest spots on the David Letterman show made for great TV. So, of course someone suggested he do a Christmas album even though his crooner status was not enhanced with the album It’s Time for Regis, which received withering reviews. This scary version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer even includes Donald Trump for yuletide nightmare value who bellows, “Blitzen, you’re fired!”
Listen HERE.
Jingle Babies: Up on the Housetop. It was bad enough with Christmas albums with cats meowing and dogs barking Jingle Bells. Now there are babies hic-cupping, squealing and gurgling to Up on the Housetop.
Listen HERE.
Christopher Lee: Jingle Hell. Christopher Lee was a commanding, acclaimed British actor, whose performances in Curse of Frankenstein and Horror of Dracula turned Hammer Studios into an International hit-maker and forever associated his name with genre films. Lee worked consistently right up to Lord of the Rings and the Star Wars films. With his deep strong voice who knew he was a heavy metal aficionado? Here is his startling version of Jingle Hell.
Listen HERE.
The Brady Bunch: Away in a Manger. The Brady Bunch was a popular ABC sitcom starring Robert Reed and Florence Henderson raising a blended brood of sickeningly cute kids. Lasting for five seasons it’s hardly surprising that their popularity inspired marketing schemes like putting out Merry Christmas from the Brady Bunch album, the cover showing the tykes happily gathered around a Christmas tree. Here Marsha (Maureen McCormick) gets to croak out Away in a Manger. Put this on during a Christmas gathering at your own peril. I’m pretty sure the album contains Gluten.
Listen HERE.
Yesterday I received your Christmas card along with John Waters, both tickled me with holiday cheer. Listening to Mrs. Miller was a long forgotten treat! She was the best of the group.
So many to choose from. And the winner is……Wing. To quote Huey Lewis, “This time I really think I’m in love”. Is she still alive?
Wing triumphed over Mrs. Miller. I laughed all of my mascara off. It’s going to be a merry Christmas afterall. Thank you for the yule tide yuks!