I was recently spring cleaning and getting rid of a lot of old VHS tapes when I came across a pile I had squirreled away in the closet that really started me laughing. In the old days, I used to search through the sale bins of countless video stores for that illusive out-of-print copy of My Brother Has Bad Dreams. Often, I came across videos that just screamed- WHY? Who made them? Why were they made? And what idiot would buy them? Frequently I would shell out the marked down $5.98 to see if they really were as God-awful as they sounded, and was rewarded with a collection of mind-boggling stupid tapes. Come along with me as I share my favorite finds.
Ant Antics (Avatar Entertainment) Thirty minutes of ants. True, it’s about the warrior red ants of the tropical rain forest, but unless you’re Henry David Thoreau or feel some erotic connection to picnics, why would you want to own this?
The People Vs. Zsa Zsa Gabor (I.V.P. Video) Before there was O.J. there was Zsa Zsa. The much-married, hefty Hungarian whose film career can be summed up in four words: Queen Of Outer Space. She’s probably best known for that headline-grabbing incident slapping a Beverly Hills police officer. This “unofficial” documentary is about that trial, and takes you back to when court proceedings lasted only 15 days and were frequently hilarious.
Super Bowl Of Crashes (Simitar Entertainment) Had a hard day at work? Why not come home, kick off your shoes, pop open a beer and settle back in your easy chair to watch 40 minutes of cars smashing into one another, occasionally lovingly repeated in slow motion. If the sound of a siren in the distance gives you a boner, this tape is for you.
Hunting The Wild Turkey (Simitar Entertainment) When I think of Thanksgiving, I think “thaw.” But for some, it just isn’t a holiday unless you can personally blow the head off of dinner. Watch men in camouflage outfits stalk unsuspecting turkeys in the forest while fantasizing what they would look like plucked on a kitchen counter with their wife’s hand up their ass.
Video Nag (Worldwide Entertainment Marketing) An annoying woman berates you for 25 minutes- in a kitchen; from the backset of a car; in an office; at a beauty salon. The purpose of this tape is to triumphantly eject it.
Rock And Roll #3: Sexy Girls & Sexy Guns (Lenny Magill Productions) 14 Southern Californian beauties shoot off machine gun rounds in the desert wearing string bikinis. Watch Dottie with an Uzi, Lillian with an MP-K, Tani Jo with a MAC-10 and Rosie with a MP-51. Yes, Quentin Tarantino did sample this in Jackie Brown.
Mr. T’s Be Somebody….Or Be Somebody’s Fool (MCA Home Video) Once upon a time there used to be this huge, Mohawk-sporting African American action star who wore 300 lbs. of gold chains around his neck, and he put this variety video together to teach children what he thought was important- like breakdancing and bad fashion. A high point is Mr. T rapping about the joy of motherhood.
The Baby Safe Home (Embassy Home Entertainment) The box cover shows an infant sitting under a kitchen sink amid open bottles of bleach getting ready to chow down on a box of moth balls. No, this isn’t a how-to video of getting rid of unruly children, it’s how to kidproof your home. There are, however, some nice shots of crash dummy babies slamming into windshields during simulated accidents.
Lucille Ball Dies (MPI Home Video). This is an ABC Nightline episode hastily cobbled together the night the loveable red-head croaked. Unless you really hated her, why on earth would you want this sitting on your shelf?
Once Upon A Potty (Barron’s Home Video) An animated instructional tape for children who still take dumps on the living room floor. Filled with riotous references to Poo-Poo holes and Wee-Wee.
Cooking With Beefcake Too! (Magnum Entertainment) Comedienne Jaye P. Morgan is our host as we prepare dishes from world class restaurants with the assistance of nude Chippendale-like musclemen. Makes one wonder what a topless Julia Childs show would have been like.
A Night With A Lava Lite (Magapop) Watch the torsos of “Demtra and Delorna- the Lava ladies,” who wear shoulder-length gloves and place different colored lava lamps on a table while 17 crappy original songs blare on the soundtrack. I don’t care how stoned you are- this will scare you straight.
Show Off! A Kid’s Guide To Being Cool (Version) Malcolm-Jamal Warner, the fat-faced former star of The Cosby Show shows you how to wow strangers by palming coins, whistling with blades of grass and putting a flashlight under your chin. Trust me: if you try any of these stunts in front of your friends they will justifiably beat you to death.
Silver Foxes II (JCI Video) Aging relatives of celebrities aerobicize. There’s Dustin Hoffman’s dad, Robin Williams’ mom, Al Pacino’s pop and headband abuser and mother of Sylvester, Jackie Stallone. You won’t sweat with these oldies as they cha-cha, stretch with a tennis racket raised over their heads and kick up their orthopedic heels while holding a golf club. It’s like a Jane Fonda workout tape if she just survived triple-bypass surgery.
Nude Men Can Jump (Sharp Shooter) Six California dudes pair off on a tennis court equipped with a makeshift hoop to play strip basketball. They may be able to jump, but rarely do they ever score a point. Hoop Dreams, this aint. It’s 60 minutes of “follow the bouncing balls.”
Angela Lansbury’s Positive Moves (Weston Woods) No, this is not “Exercise She Wrote.” Ms Lansbury, the brilliant theater and movie actress, is not doing pushups next to a crime scene. It’s Lansbury walking around her house, taking a walk down the street, napping on the couch, gardening, sewing. She even kneads bread wearing a Sweeney Todd apron. This is about the importance of “puttering” and we get to see Angela drinking tea and taking a bubble bath. I don’t know about you, but I’m bushed after this workout.
Cyclevision: Hawaii Maui Tour (Cycle Vision) Part of a series created to accompany you on your exercise bicycle so you can imagine pedaling along a tropical roadway, past sparkling beaches and exotic foliage. You’re even paired with an unseen partner so you won’t get lonely. After a while I prayed a truck would come careening around a corner and mow us down so the tape would end.
The Cutest Pigs You’ll Ever See (Publishers Choice Video) You’ll think twice before ordering pork chops when you watch this 30-minute tape of adorable little porkers. From newborn piglets to graceful 400 pounders, your heart will be lightened by these porcine wonders. Pass the bacon.
Wemson Window Wonders ((E. Mishan & Sons) For 15 spell-binding minutes Susan Brandon shows you how to create glamorous window treatments. Learn how to make “Swag” and “Balloon Valance Treatments”! Tear Drops! Bishop Sleeves! Bows! Knots! Rosettes and Puddles! If only at the end she showed you how to fashion a noose…
Video Fireplace (Video Natural Corp.) No logs to haul, no ashes to clean. Bask in the flickering glow of a roaring fire emanating from your television screen. Similar to the Yule Log some stations used to run over the holidays, but without the annoying caroling. Unfortunately, the tape’s sound quality is too loud and distorted. It sounds like your apartment is on fire.
Your Alcohol IQ (J2 Communications) You’ll need a six-pack to make it through this tape with Michael Tucker and Jill Eikenberry (former L.A. Law stars) heading a panel about “responsible drinking.” Questions like, “Does drinking kill brain cells?” and “How much alcohol can your liver comfortably handle?” are explored with experts Patrick Duffy (Dallas), Marla Gibbs (The Jeffersons), Mickey Dolenz (The Monkees) and Arte Johnson (Laugh-In).
How To Beat A Speeding Ticket (Active Home video) Advice from lawyers, former cops and judges on how to weasel your way out of a citation. “Remember the three P’s: Preparation, preparation, preparation.” A female psychologist suggests that you try to imagine the patrol officer with a baby in his arms or wearing a bathing suit.
Napkins- The Perfect Accent (PG Collection) Invaluable lessons on how to fold napkins for table settings. Which napkin fabrics work best. Ways to compliment your china to make it come alive. So many ways to dazzle your guests and make your dinner party a raging success. This informative video is more suspenseful than a Hitchcock film.
Rue McClanahan’s Dog Care (Vestron) An agonizing pooch-loving homage hosted by former The Golden Girls Rue McClanahan. She and the oh-so-British vet Dr. David Griffiths discuss the selection, grooming and neutering of your pet, visit animal shelters and dog shows and hand out puppies to old people, gushing about the wonders of those four-legged friends, who are “always there to cheer you up with a lick.”
Dying: The Last Seconds Of Life Part II (Distinctive Movie Network) A hodgepodge of death-related material lifted from “Mondo” movies, Italian cannibal films, World War II newsreels and the notorious Bloodsucking Freaks. The opening documentary footage of Laplanders actually biting the testicles off of reindeer makes for a perfect Mother’s Day gift.
Havoc 6 (Powersports Video) If David Cronenberg’s Crash turned you on, this tape is for you, with over 180 accidents in 60 minutes. Crack open that bottled of chilled chardonnay and watch motorcycles careen into walls, fireballs explode in the pit lane, race cars flip over and drivers get catapulted into the air. What fun!
Katherine Hepburn’s World Of Stories (Vestron Video) The famous actress Katherine Hepburn reads several children’s stories in her shaky, commanding, patrician voice. Everything from Jack In The Beanstalk, Beauty And The Beast to The Emperor’s New Clothes. I kept fantasizing that this was live in front of real children and she would occasionally yell sternly at the kids, “You- sit down, I’m reading!” or “Don’t you even think of picking up that crayon you little rugrat!”
Instant Aquarium (Best Film & Video) Transform your television into a giant aquarium filled with tropical fish. You never have to feed them; you never have to clean the tank and they never die. A perfect answer to a quiet evening at home with a loved one and the pleasure of crying out at every 60-minute interval: “Honey, please rewind the fish…”
These are wonderfully awful. All the better to have you describe them than to have to watch them. My mother had the Angela Lansbury tape. I don’t know what ever became of it.
These are both a riot and seriously tragic! I actually had a video fireplace at one point!! Think I’ll try the aquarium next! Thanks Dennis!