There’s always a special place in my black little heart for disastrous celebrity records. There was a time when producers wanted to capitalize on the popularity of their clients (movie stars, TV personalities) by having them cut a record. And quite often the result was nightmarishly hilarious and memorably wrong-headed. I’ve written before about some of my favorite of these type of albums, but through the years I keep turning over rocks and finding more ear-bleeding selections by tone-deaf stars setting to vinyl some truly awful audio atrocities. Most of these 10 you can easily find on YouTube but you won’t thank me for this.
Jay North: When I Become a Man. Before he became a bitter, angry ex-child-star, Jay North was the irascible brat next door on the popular TV series Dennis the Menace, with his trademark striped tee shirt and overalls, forever tormenting his neighbor Mr. Wilson. And yes, Jay cut an album in 1960 called “Look Who’s Singing” with instantly forgettable songs like “Gotta Get Dressed Again,” “Sittin’ In A Corner,” “Rain’s A Pain,” and my favorite, “When I Become a Man,” with lyrics like, “When I become a man: I can make all the noise I want to make- if I like I can roll in the dirt. And for dinner I’ll just eat a chocolate cake with a strawberry pie for dessert.” Maybe this stinker of an album is Mr. Wilson’s sweet revenge.
Burt Reynolds: Ask Me What I Am. The real question should be, “Ask me what the hell I was thinking” when Burt Reynolds agreed to cut this lousy LP. Burt Reynolds was the handsome American star who made a career breakthrough with his impressive dramatic turn in Deliverance. Then there’s his “himbo” status for his semi-nude layout in Cosmopolitan magazine in 1972. Lest we forget the painfully popular Cannonball Run series. His long romance with Sally Fields and disastrous marriage with Loni Anderson. Or his career revival with Boogie Nights. But in 1973 he cut this atrocious album with producer Bobby Goldsboro. On the jacket cover he is wearing a hideous polyester shirt and a big hat jauntily placed on his head. But inside the LP there are songs like “The First One I Lay With,” I Like Having You Around,” and the title track with such heartrending lyrics as, “Don’t ask me what tomorrow will bring. Ask me how I enjoyed the day. Don’t ask me what songs I’m gonna sing. Just turn your ear my way.” Or not. This was mercifully his only solo album.
Brigitte Bardot. Harley Davidson. Bardot exploded with international fame when she starred in Roger Vadim’s And God Created Woman in 1956. Her “sex kitten” status rose and she appeared in many films, notably Jean-Luc Godard’s fabulous Contempt in 1963. In later years, there was her admirable fight for animal rights, but unfortunately there’s her right-wing racist anti-immigrant rants which were appalling. Equally hideous was her recording career. From pop albums like “Brigitte Bardot Sings” in 1963 and her collaboration with Serge Gainsbourg with “Bonnie and Clyde” in 1968, while he was having an affair with her. Gainsbourg wrote the tune “Harley Davidson” for her and the music video is a hoot with her suggestively singing next to a motorcycle in thigh-high boots and a skin-tight leather mini-dress. The lyrics (translated in English) go like this: “I don’t need anybody. When I’m on my Harley Davidson! I don’t acknowledge anyone any more. When I’m on my Harley Davidson! When I feel the urge to travel, the vibrations of my bike, make me hot in my crotch.”
Robert Mitchum. Momma Look a Boo Boo. Robert Mitchum was an acting legend. He had a pretty rough early life, arrested for vagrancy and then another stint in jail for marijuana possession. But this rough and tumble persona only enhanced his he-man reputation. Mitchum evolved into an amazing actor, turning in great performances in film noirs like Out of the Past, and chilling turns in Crossfire, Night of the Hunter and Cape Fear. Unfortunately, while he was shooting Heaven Knows, Mr. Allison in Tobago in 1956 he came to love the local Calypso music and ended up cutting an album in 1957 for Capital Records called “Calypso Is Like So,” with a risible cover showing a relaxed Mitchum drinking rum with a sexy woman standing nearby. The LP had rhythmic tunes like “Matilda, Matilda,” “Coconut Water,” and the domestic abuse anthem, “Mamma, Look a Boo Boo,” with lyrics like, “I drag my belt off me waist. You should hear them screamin’ round de place. Momma, look a boo boo they shout. Their mother tell them shut up your mouth.” You know what, Robert– leave this to Harry Belafonte.
Rex Reed. Sugarfoot. Acerbic, mean-spirited, film critic Rex Reed, who became a TV personality with his catty appearances on talk shows bad-mouthing good movies. He was author of several books filled with his controversial interviews with actors, such as “Conversations in the Raw,” and “Do You Sleep in the Nude?” There was some karmic satisfaction when he “acted” as Myron in the all-star cinematic fiasco Myra Breckinridge, vaguely based on the Gore Vidal novel. Now, Ben Bagley was a respected producer who put on musical varieties on stage such as “Shoestring Revue” when he was only 22 which introduced such luminaries as Bea Arthur and Chita Rivera. In 1970, he put together a tribute to composer and songwriter Vernon Duke, showcasing some of his lesser-known tunes. This musical revue album entitled Ben Bagley’s Vernon Duke Revisited included singers Tammy Grimes, Anthony Perkins and Joan Rivers (!). Rex Reed sings “Sugarfoot” from a Broadway flop called Jackpot. Mercifully Rex Reed is backed up by Blossom Dearie and the Keiffer Twins. In a pitch-challenged, monotone, tenor voice, Reed croaks out lyrics like, “You’re so sweet, you give a guy a toothache. You make the growing pains of youth ache. My sugarfoot…my tall turtle dove…my blonde buttercup.”
Tippi Hedren. If You Were a Carpenter. Alfred Hitchcock was watching The Today Show and was intrigued with the model (Tippi Hedren) for a dietary drink commercial. He signed her to a personal contact and despite having no acting experience made her the lead in his 1963 avian horror film The Birds. Carefully constructing her look for the film- hair, clothes, etc.- perfecting the “cool blonde” that Hitchcock returned to over and over again on film. It was during their second film- Marnie that Hitchcock began to torment Hedren with his advances and it ended their collaboration. Hedren struggled to find film work and eventually created an 80-acre wildlife sanctuary in California she titled the “Shambala Preserve,” for rescued big cats such as lions, tigers, cougars, and bobcats. What on earth made her cut a record in 1966- a cover version of Tim Hardin’s folk hit “If I Were a Carpenter”? She flipped the gender to “If You Were a Carpenter, ” “If you were a carpenter and I was a lady, I would marry you anyway and have your baby..” Now if she had done a music video of this, recreating her scene in The Birds, singing this song outside the schoolhouse while flocks of birds amassed on the jungle gym behind her, she might have had an ornithological hit.
Herve Villechaize: Why Do People Have to Fight? The diminutive French actor Herve Villechaize, was best known for the James Bond film The Man with the Golden Gun and playing Mr. Roarke’s (Ricardo Montalban) assistant Tattoo on TV’s Fantasy Island. His insistence on referring to himself as a “midget” incensed “little people” activists everywhere. He cut an anti-war single on Epic Records in 1980 called “Why” as a fund-raiser for Children of the World. The lyrics were cloyingly sappy as Herve sang/spoke “Why do people have to fight? Why don’t they learn to do what’s right?” A kiddie chorus accompanies Herve but his accent is so thick it’s hard to understand him. He sounds like a Munchin with a lisp.
Richard Simmons: Reach. Before there was Ozempic there was Richard Simmons. The frighteningly exuberant, slightly nelly, motivational health-fitness guru. He tirelessly and cheerfully, inspired people to lose weight on TV, from his early days as a cast member on General Hospital to his many “Sweatin’ To the Oldies” videos. Sure, he was the brunt of a joke on The David Letterman Show, but the fact that he was good-natured even about those appearances is something. But nothing can forgive this 1982 album “Reach,” which included music you can exercise to, with plenty of reinforcement lyrics to empower his fans through their weight loss. There are songs like “You Can Do It,” “What Are You Waiting For,” “Lift It Up,” cheery anthems to perseverance in shedding those pesky pounds. The album even opens with someone snoring in bed only to be rudely startled awake by Richard Simmons shrieking, “Good morning- am I going to wake you up!” The lead song is “Reach,” and it’s a real head-banger (and I mean that in the literal sense). “If you want to reach for the stars and moon tonight, you know it’s all up to you. If you’re going to be all you are then do it right. And you reach in your heart and you learn how to start speaking up for yourself. Reach for the face that the good life can bring- be like nobody else.” Listening to this with make you reach, alright- for a pint of Haagen-Dazs ice cream.
Phyllis Diller: I Enjoy Being a Girl. I used to love seeing beloved comedienne Phyllis Diller on The Ed Sullivan Show. She would come out in a wild untamed wig wearing a garish over-sized housedress with her trademark long cigarette holder and then tell hilarious tales of her domestic life with her husband “Fang,” cackling out loud after each story. She really had a long career in show business, with movies, TV appearances and live shows. It’s not surprising she cut records- most of them comedy albums but then there’s “Born to Sing,” where she showed that she actually could sing- but kept punctuating standards like “Hello Young Lovers” and “The Man I Love” with one-liners. My favorite is her cracked version of “I Enjoy Being a Girl” from Flower Drum Song which has Phyllis singing in high-pitched, breathy, teenage mode (with a full orchestra behind her), “I adore being dressed in something frilly, when my date comes to get me at my place. Out I go with my Joe or John or Billy, like a filly that is ready for the race.” Typically, Diller has to punctuate the song with dumb jokes, “If a thing of beauty is a joy forever- I’ve got about 8 minutes.” “If you take me at face value- I owe you money.”
Sylvester Stallone: Too Close to Paradise. When I think of actor/filmmaker Sylvester Stallone I don’t think Rocky or Rambo– I immediately think- “songbird.” In 1978, Stallone wrote, directed and starred in a passion project- Paradise Alley, about three brother in Hell’s Kitchen in the 1940s. It was all about wrestling and it suffered a takedown at the box office. Stallone blamed Universal Studios for forcing him to edit 40 scenes from the film, but more of that movie was never going to make it any better. Pauline Kael, in her review for the film, said, “As a writer, he’s a primitive mining the mass media, without any apparent awareness at how stale his ideas are.” Despite this, Stallone wrote a novelization of the film and sang the theme song on the soundtrack album. The theme “Too Close to Paradise” was written by Carole Bayer Sayer and Bruce Roberts, with music by Bill Conti. Stallone sings in a deep, raspy, mumbles-in-mouth style, mangling the lyrics, “Too close to paradise, and too close to hell. And sometimes the difference is too hard to tell.” I am eagerly awaiting his upcoming CD “Stallone Does Sondheim.”