Movies + Dating= Disaster

The first stages of dating are always perilous. That awkward “getting to know you” period is constantly fraught with all sorts of dangers. So, what do you do to be more comfortable with your new companion? Go for a meal or a movie? Unfortunately, you can learn an awful lot about a person after seeing a movie with them. It often can be a rude awakening. What happens when you exit a theater after seeing a movie you thought dreadful and your date exclaims: “God, I loved it!” Or worse, after a film you were personally moved by, only to hear: “What a stupid piece of shit!”

What do you do?

In my youth, I engaged in extensive and voluble arguments about movies. But during an unfortunate incident with a loved one where furniture was overturned, glasses smashed and an unexpected visit to an emergency room resulted after a spirited discussion about Dances With Wolves, I learned my lesson. After all, what could you possibly say that could alter someone else’s experience of a movie? And if a person were so easily swayed by your opinion, would you want a mate around that wishy-washy?

It’s better to be aware of warning signals to ward off any unpleasantness in a theater lobby. Here are a few comments to be wary of while traversing the murky waters of dating. Trust me, you’d be better off blowing a baboon than romancing someone who considers Michael Bay a viable form of entertainment.

CHOOSING A FILM. Always run in the other direction if your new “friend” says any of the following:

1. “Subtitles! You mean I have to read?”
2. “I usually wait until it’s streaming on Netflix.”
3. “Is that a chick flick?”
4. “Nothing depressing, I only like romantic comedies.”
5. “No indie shit- something mainstream.”
6. “I hope it’s starring Tyler Perry.”
7. “I can’t take violence.”
8. “You know what I’m against- female directors.”
9. “I only go to Marvel super hero movies.”
10. I wish Lindsay Lohan would make another film.”
11. “Nothing ethnic.”
12. “Now Gotti, with John Travolta– that was a great movie.”
13. “Can we see something where they blow up animals?”
14. “No black and white films!”
15. “I think Adam Sandler is really underrated as an actor.”
16. “Rotten Tomatoes says it’s good.”
17. “Anything with teenagers fucking pies.”
18. “Nothing scary, or French!”
19. “I only see movies concerning the environment.”
20. “I’m sorry but I have moral issues with Woody Allen”
21. “I liked Part 2 and 7 but had a lot of trouble with Part 8.”
22. “Does it have a dinosaur in it?”
23. “Documentary- does that mean there are no actors in it?”
24. “Can’t we just wait until the new Star Wars movie opens?”
25. “When is Garth Brooks going to make a film?”
26. “Have you ever heard of a movie called The Godfather?”
27. “Just as long as I can get home in time to watch The Bachelorette.”
28. “Is the theater in a ‘safe’ neighborhood?”
29. “I’m afraid I’m not allowed to see an R rated film.”
30. “Why is it called a movie?” 

AT THE THEATER. Other warning bells should ring if any of these comments arise:

1. “I like to sit in the very first row.”
2. “Can we buy lots of food- nachos, hot dogs, large popcorns and candy to drown out all the dialogue?”
3. “You know I really like to talk through a movie.”
4. “If I make a few calls on my cell phone during the movie is it going to bother you?”
5. “Can we sit in separate sections of the theater? It’s not that I don’t want to be seen with you, but I like my space.”
6. “Want to count how many people are carrying red backpacks?”
7. “If I fall asleep would you nudge me if I start to snore?”
8. “You know I’m famous for my loud inappropriate laughter.”
9. “I do have an incontinence problem, however.”
10. “Would it really be considered a crime if I yelled: FIRE?”
11. “Did I mention the Tourette Syndrome thing?”
12. “Would it upset you much if I removed my pants during the film?”

AFTER THE MOVIE. When you step out into the fresh air after any cinematic experience, I advise saying only the following: “If we are going to sleep together tonight, might I suggest we refrain from discussing what we’ve just seen until afterwards?”

Anything else is just asking for it.