There is an unprecedented number of sequels opening in theaters this summer. Some are just endless extensions of movie comic book franchises. Maybe people get the culture they deserve, and in troubled times moviegoers crave the comfort of familiarity. Who knows? To combat the sequel fatigue I feel in theaters I like to hunt down a really obscure, lousy sequel- even a second or third installment of some preposterous title I can barely recall the 1st of. These stupid films often are as entertaining as they are soporific. Here are my favorite recently uncovered, utterly worthless sequels that ought to tickle your fancy while melting brain cells away.
Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow (1993) Before bubble-lipped Angelina Jolie was a humanitarian or ex-Mrs. Brad Pitt, (even before she portrayed Lara Croft), she starred in the low-tech, sci-fi mess set in the year 2074, where, we are told, “Cyborgs have replaced humans in every respect- from the soldiers in the fields- to the prostitutes in the brothel.” Jolie is a top-of-the-line robot transformed into an explosive weapon by an evil bio-tech corporation. (One roll in the hay with her and it’s “cyborg stew”). Her hunky human kung fu instructor (Elias Koteas) helps her escape the compound, aided by a secret entity named Mercy (Jack “hambone” Palance), whose ghostly voice navigates them past evil mercenaries, including Billy Drago, who unkindly describes Jolie as a: “wind-up piece of muff.”
Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal (2000) This howler is about a live Web telecast of a rock concert aboard a 747 by heavy-metal god Slade Craven (John Mann). Terrorists tie up the real Craven and substitute a fake with a long black wig and painted face, who shoots people and holds the plane hostage in midair. It’s up to a computer hacker (Craig Sheffer) and a cool but sexy F.B.I. gal (Gabrielle Anwar) to help the real rock legend overtake the bad guys and land the plane safely. The sight of a Marilyn Manson look-alike landing a 747 full of screaming punked-out fans is almost as good as seeing a cross-eyed Karen Black in Airport 1975.
Relentless 4: Ashes To Ashes (1994) Judd Nelson forged a new career for himself playing loony serial killers, starting with 1989’s Relentless. This is Relentless “squared” and stars gorgeous Famke Janssen years before she became Dr. Jean Grey of the X-Men series. She plays a psychiatrist whose patients start getting bumped off by a religious nut who flagellates himself while in the nude and practices death rituals over his victims. Leo Rossi (who has been in all the Relentless films) once again plays Detective Sam Dietz investigating the crimes; his annoying partner (Coleen Coffey) is like a fake Demi Moore. This is the kind of eyeball junk-food made for compulsive viewing at 4 a.m.
Mommy 2- Mommy’s Day (1997) As a child Patty McCormack, brilliantly played the homicidal moppet Rhoda Penmark on the stage and in 1956 screen version of The Bad Seed. In adulthood, she played a homicidal mother who merrily murders husbands, teachers and the school janitor in Max Allen Collins’ entertaining sequel to his 1995 film Mommy. Mommy craftily avoids lethal injection by being implanted with an experimental drug designed to keep her away from sharp objects. “I’ve always liked designer clothes,” McCormack quips, “Now I have a designer brain.” What bugs her is that a court order bars her from seeing her beloved daughter Jessica Ann (Rachel Lemieux). So, when Jessica’s skating instructor is stabbed over 100 times with an ice skate, all eyes turn to Mommy. Only Jessica Ann believes her mom is innocent. (“You just stab them once or just choke them,” she tells her.) But how are you going to keep Mommy from death row when even the woman at the halfway house says: “I know dear, you’re innocent- like O. J.”?
Jack Frost 2: Revenge Of The Mutant Killer Snowman (2000) No, it’s not a sequel to that annoying Michael Keaton kid’s movie. This one is about a mutating snowman (who can freeze and melt at will) with a carrot for a nose and murder on his mind. (Think a very pissed off Frosty). Jack visits a tropical island to chase down the sheriff who nabbed him in the original film, then proceeds to deck the halls with bloody icicles, killer baby snowmen and other Yuletide weapons of mass destruction.
So what if Humphrey Bogart never actually said: “Play it again, Sam”? I have to make peace with the fact that sequels are here to stay. So, bring it on! Next up: The Diary Of Anne Frank 2: Payback Time.