When Inanimate Objects Kill (In Movies)

Can your toaster kill you? I suppose if you stuck a fork in to retrieve a jammed piece of grilled bread. But, I mean, when it slips off the shelf at night and stealthily slides into your bedroom to slam against your sleeping head with deadly force? Probably not. But you have to hand it to screenwriters who decide a piece of machinery turned into a killing machine is a viable plot point. I remember sitting with a crowded audience the first night The Car opened. It took a while for them to react to this horror movie about a demonic, riderless vehicle, but when they finally “got it” the giggles built until eventually the entire audience was convulsed with laughter. It was so much fun. Here is my favorite “Inanimate Objects Who Kill” film list:

        The Twonky. Hans Conried plays a college professor whose wife is out of town, when the TV she bought for him comes alive and turns his life upside down. This 1953 oddity was directed by Arch Oboler, who has successful spooky radio shows like “Lights Out” and directed one of the early 3D sci-fi movies- The Bubble. Not a success in theaters, but when it played on television it freaked out countless youngsters to see a TV chasing Conried around the house. This strange comedy has yet to appear on home video.

        The Car. Unintentionally hilarious 1977 film directed by Elliot Silverstein about a demonic, driverless Lincoln Continental in New Mexico, that runs down innocent pedestrians and then mockingly honks the horn as it drives away. James Brolin plays the harried sheriff, and concerned dad, who utters the immortal line: “Lock the kids in their room! The car is in the garage!” God, I love this movie!

        The Lift. This 1983 Dutch film by Dick Maas is about a killer elevator. Some sort of demonic microchip is causing the havoc- trapping partygoers and suffocating them; decapitating a security guard; tricking a blind man to fall down the shaft. A technician and a reporter attempt to discover the cause in this stylish, entertaining film. The movie had the best ad campaign: “For God’s sake, take the stairs…take the stairs!”

        The Mangler. Director Tobe Hooper’s 1995 film based about a Stephen King short story about a demonic sheet-folding machine at an industrial laundry in Maine. Robert Englund plays the fiendish owner of the factory which harbors a deadly secret connected to the wealthy members of the town, and blood sacrifices to the infernal machine. Ted Levine plays the dogged cop trying to figure it all out before the “sheet” hits the fan.

        Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. The 1977 brainchild of George Barry about a four-poster bed in the basement of an abandoned house way out in the woods. When couples stumble upon it and unwisely use it for picnics or to make love, it devours them and spits up their bones. There’s also a man behind a painting whose soul is trapped, forced to silently watch this chomping piece of furniture for eternity. The effect when it eats- a clear, gold-hued liquid that seems to dissolve matter- is pretty nifty. It will also make you think twice before dialing 1-800-MATTRESS.

        Killdozer. A well-remembered, ludicrous1974 TV movie about a construction crew on a small island off the coast of Africa and a meteor that falls to earth and connects with a bulldozer (by way of a blue light) that goes on a killing spree. Beefy Clint Walker plays the crew manager who tries to protect his men from the rampaging machine. I love scenes where the massive bulldozer lays in wait behind bushes to surprise its victims. Carl Betz (dad on The Donna Reed Show) plays the sharp-tongued member of the construction crew who, when someone states “You can’t kill a machine,” replies, “Maybe we should appeal to its sense of decency and fair play?” Later he apologizes, “I’m sorry- pain makes me snide.”

        House. Uniquely bizarre 1977 Japanese horror film by Nobuhiko Obayashi about seven schoolgirls who spend their summer holiday at the remote house of a weird, wheelchair-bound aunt of one of the girls. Soon the haunted dwelling begins to consume them one by one. A girl is attacked by bedding, another is incorporated into a clock, the head of one pops out of the well. My favorite is Melody’s fate- she is practicing on the grand piano when it bites off her fingers then swallows her whole. Later her bloody, dismembered digits are seen playing a melodic song on the piano. The director based this on his 10-year-old daughter’s nightmares and the film has a childlike, bad-dream logic, aided by the bubble-gum pop score and the brightly colored painted backdrops which add a weird, artificial feel. There’s also a demonic, fluffy white cat, whose eyes flash green while casting spells.

        Amityville: The Evil Escapes. A woman buys a creepy lamp (which looks like a skinny gnarled tree with light bulbs) from a yard sale at the infamous Amityville house. She sends it to her sister Alice (Jane Wyatt) in California. Patty Duke plays a widowed mother of three who moves in with her mom (Wyatt) and soon the lamp terrorizes them by taking over appliances (a chainsaw turns on by itself and goes haywire, a garbage disposal mangles a mechanic) and tricks the youngest daughter into thinking it’s her dead father. A priest flies from Amityville to throw holy water on everything in this fabulously stupid sequel.

        Maximum Overdrive. Stephen King directed this 1986 film (based on his short story) about the tail of a comet that passes the earth and causes inanimate objects to turn homicidal. Most of the action takes place at a diner which comes under siege from angry trucks and cars. My favorite moment happens at a Little League game where a vending machine starts lethally shooting out cans of soda. The coach ends up with a hole in his head while a driverless steamroller flattens another player. Even Stephen King called this a “moron movie.”

        Phone. Asian horror films have always riffed on technology- from cursed VHS tapes in The Ring movies or; undead spirits creeping out of computers in Pulse, etc. This 2002 Korean horror movie about a haunted cell phone, which beat Stephen King’s Cell by four years. Produced by the unfortunately titled “Toilet Pictures” the film is about a female journalist whose series of articles about child sex crimes causes her to get recurring calls from a dangerous stalker. She changes her phone number only to discover that the new one is haunted by a vengeful spirit. The last two people who had this number died mysterious deaths. Her young niece unwittingly answers the phone in an art gallery and starts screaming her head off. The little girl afterwards undergoes bizarre personality changes in this loony thriller.

        The Refrigerator. Steve & Eileen are a happily married couple from Ohio who take an apartment in the East Village on Avenue D- back when that part of town was pretty scary. They are happy how cheap it is, and pleased with the nice big Norge refrigerator. But their relationship strains. Steve turns into a big douche and the fridge screws with Eileen, hiding her keys so she misses an acting audition. A psychic in the neighborhood warns her “your refrigerator is the gateway to hell!” and sure enough, a handyman is chewed up and sucked inside, and her visiting mother too. Watching a loin of pork defrosting is more scintillating than sitting through this low budget oddity.

Flush.In this 2015 enjoyable dark comedy short by Matt Cooper a rude traveler loses more than his shit when he sits on an airport toilet. The porcelain throne first taunts him by repeatedly flushing, then swallows his tie and cell phone and finally the creep whole. It even cleans up after itself as it waits for its next victim.

        Blades. In this unsharpened 1985 horror/comedy, a series of mysterious murders at the Tall Grass Country Club are hushed up by the owner and Chief of Police to protect the profitable Golf tournament about to take place there. It turns out the victims were all killed by a murderous lawn mower. There’s a whole Jaws-like finale where they go with a seasoned hunter to stop the haunted grass-cutter, but it’s neither satirical enough or even remotely funny. “Just when you thought it was safe to cut the grass…”        

Demon Seed. This is the sci-fi movie where Julie Christie gets fucked by her house. Based on a Dean Koontz novel, Fritz Weaver stars as scientist Alex Harris, estranged from his wife Susan (Julie Christie), who creates a super computer called Proteus IV which secretly connects to their automated house and traps Susan inside. The voice of the computer is Robert Vaughn (The Man From U.N.C.L.E.), and he kills a technician (Gerrit Graham) who shows up at the house. Proteus demands that Susan and the computer create a baby together. As ludicrous as this sounds it actually seems less stupid thanks to the assured direction of Donald Cammell, who uses some of the trippy visuals he utilized in Performance (which he co-directed with Nicolas Roeg), especially in the “conception” sequence when Susan gets a light show in her head rather than an after-sex cigarette.