Kids are people too and can be just as annoying and stupid as adults. When they’re little, they’re beyond reproach- cute, adorable, full of expectation. But when they’re 10 and older you have a midget person on your hands, one who has been bombarded by bad rap, social media, video games and idiot friends and, as much as I hate to admit it, so many bad movies as to render them practically developmentally challenged.
How can you tell if your offspring is an asshole? Ask them a few telling questions about movies they like and a clear portrait of what you’re dealing with will magically appear. Then you can consider putting them down or not.
For instance: if your son, after seeing King Kong: Skull Island, asks you to point out on a map where Skull Island is located. (Stupid, and an asshole.)
Your young daughter considers Kim Kardashian a feminist hero, and wishes she would break into acting because her screen-work could eventually garner her an Oscar nomination. (Asshole, and most likely future high school whore.)
Your 12-year-old boy repeatedly watches Magic Mike and Magic Mike XXL and has a poster of Channing Tatum in his bedroom. (Not an asshole, just gay as a Dutch window.)
Your youngster is obsessed with Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart movies and has a scrapbook devoted to Rob Schneider. (Asshole).
Your daughter has seen Herbie Fully Loaded over 38 times. (Are you 100% positive she wasn’t switched at birth?)
Your son only dreams of the day when The Fast And The Furious sequel comes out. (There goes your car insurance premium. Also, you might suggest he sign an organ donation card.)
Your son asks if the family could vacation at Jurassic Park or Wakanda next summer? (Bitter disappointment and an asshole.)
Your daughter thinks all “indie” movies suck. (Lately, she may be right. Nonetheless, a solid caning is in order).
Your son dreams of becoming as fine as actor as the Rock and Vin Diesel. (You can count on him wearing a paper hat at his future job.)
Your daughter believes Tom Cruise might be right about Scientology. (Asshole, and immediately dial Ted Patrick, the father of deprogramming.)
Your child will only see movies about oppression and people having their rights abused. (Hardly an asshole, but will probably make a loved one’s life intolerable in the future.)
Your son sees nothing but gory horror films like Saw 2, Wolf Creek, Hostel and The Hills Have Eyes. (Possibly a future film maker. Or cover of the New York Post.)
Your kid is unaware that Death Wish, A Star Is Born and Pet Sematary are remakes. (Clueless asshole).
Your child will only watch movies with animals like March Of The Penguins, Winged Migration and Eight Below. (Not an asshole but will probably end up living alone with 45 cats.)
Your daughter wants to follow Angelina Jolie’s footsteps in humanitarian work. (Not an asshole, but probably secretly dreaming of what it was like to blow Brad Pitt rather than feed a starving Ethiopian.)
Your son was furious the Ghostbusters reboot starred female comedians. (Asshole whose future mate will have the National Domestic Violence Hotline on speed dial.)
Your kid won’t ever go see movies in theaters, preferring to stream them. (Asshole.)
Your son’s favorite movies are: Big Momma’s House, Mrs. Doubtfire, Madea’s Family Reunion, Madea Goes To Jail, and A Madea Christmas. (Not necessarily an asshole, but better lock up the lingerie.)
Your daughter thinks Anne Hathaway is a great actress. (Asshole).
Your son doesn’t understand why actors have to be so “political”. (Asshole).
Your child will not watch documentaries because “they’re boring”. (Asshole).
Your son thinks Ben Affleck was the best Batman. (Big asshole).
Your child will only see movies directed by women. (Smart.)
Ever since Jackass your kid swallows expired cans of fruit and propels himself off the roof every few weeks clad only in a jockstrap. (Future state senator.)
Your son dreams of going off to Hollywood and writing rude American comedies like American Pie, Bridesmaids and Wedding Crashers. (Who cares if he’s an asshole? He’ll buy you a gorgeous retirement home.)
Your youngster refuses to watch any black-and-white movies because they’re too outdated. (Asshole, and should be beaten daily.)
Your son prefers movies based on video games like Doom and Resident Evil. (Asshole, but will leave you a grandparent many times over.)
Your kid doesn’t think movies have any real place in their life whatsoever. (Don’t worry- we’ll turn our backs while you press the pillow down on their face.)
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I love assholes