Sperms Of Endearment

            One of the most startling things I heard during this endless pandemic was the statement, “I’m even sick of porn!”

            I can sympathize- to a point. I’m not about to give a thesis on porn or weigh the social and moral issues the subject raises. I just don’t care about any of that. I just like the word “pornography.” It has a lilting ring to it. A dramatic authority. You expect someone to say, “Yes, my son’s teaching Pornography at Yale.”

            I can’t quite remember the first time I saw a dirty picture. I knew my father kept girlie magazine in a locked cabinet in the basement, and one day, when I knew everyone was out of the house, I used a bobby pin to break in but was disappointed in what I found. There were all these “adult” magazine with titles like Swank and Nugget and Men’s World with pictures of hefty women in negligees along with articles on the proper way to blow away a moose with your hunting rifle. I discovered the power of titillation on the printed page reading Peyton Place, with author Grace Metalious’s vivid description of Betty’s diamond-hard nipples. And Harold Robbins’ The Carpetbaggers, where right from the first page the hero- Jonas Cord- was clutching the throttle of a plane like his cock. But it wasn’t until Boy Scout summer camp when one of the seedier Scouts showed us a stack of hardcore black-and-white pictures of a couple copulating in a myriad of complicated positions. That was when I realized the glory of the “Real McCoy.” Just looking around at the widened eyes at my tent-mates made me realize the power these pictures had over people.

            And what an interesting career choice. Imagine making a living getting in these ludicrous positions, nude, and getting paid for it. Frankly, I think it takes a rather courageous soul to rim someone on camera and have it seen by several million strangers. I wonder what it would be like to call your mother and father and exclaim, “I’ve decided to drop out of law school so I can devote my life to being a fluffer on porno sets.”

            I can’t even fathom what it must be for youngsters today when porn can be easily accessed on your computer or cell phone. It certainly takes the forbidden aspect of adult material and tosses it out the window.

            Now pornography has indeed come a long way from traded 16mm “loops” shown to Shriners in smoke-filled rooms. Who could imagine couples unashamedly lining up at movie theaters for screenings of Deep Throat. To video stores and their “adult” section with an amazing array of fetish tapes from spanking to tickling to water sports. Unfortunately, porn’s easy availability on the internet has been the death knell to the adult film industry.

            I think my favorite thing about the golden age of video porn was the hilarious parody titles they kept coming up with. I loved it when they took popular films and made them sound filthy. In the 80s I remember standing in front of a midtown porn theater showing a triple bill of Sperms Of Endearment, Jungle Beaver and Little Oral Annie. It stopped me dead in my tracks, doubled over with laughter. 

            Heterosexual X-rated films tended to riff on real movie titles more than gay films, with the notable exceptions of Homo Alone; Oklahomo!; Splendor In The Ass; and I Dream Of Weenie. And while most porno titles had little to do with the contents of the film, occasionally they did follow the original storyline. Edward Penishands took the plot of Tim Burton’s Edward Scissorhands and followed it faithfully- except that the lead had dildos attached to his wrists instead of scissors. I would imagine Oliver Stone might not approve of the hardcore gay version called Platoon; or Spike Lee might not see the humor of Screw The Right Thing or Malcolm XXX. Then again, maybe they would.

            Some of my favorite porn parodies are: Romancing The Bone; On Golden Blonde; E.T. The Extra Testicle; Flashpants; My Bare Lady; Throbbin’ Hood; Riding Miss Daisy; Star Whores; The Sperminator; Glad-He-Ate-Her; White Men Can’t Hump; The DaVinci Load; Lawrence Of A Labia; Breast Side Story; The Texas Vibrator Massacre; The Best Rears Of Our Lives; The Slutty Professor; Inspect Her Gadget; Forrest Hump; Pray For Rosemary’s Beaver and A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Foreskin. In the old days Regarding Hiney was easy to ask for at your local video store than Blow Job Betty. 

There’s Beetlejism; Sleeping With the Enema; Good Will Humping and Shaving Ryan’s Privates. David Lynch’s Twin Peaks became Twin Cheeks. Cape Fear became Cape Rear. Flatliners became Fatliners (with a picture of three incredibly corpulent women on the box and the tag line “They’re fat; they’re dead and they’re horny!”) Quentin Tarantino’s Kill Bill became Fill Bill and even a gay title: Drill Bill and then there’s Pulp Friction. Disney was not spared either with Pocahotass, Pornochio and The Little Spermaid. Beach Blanket Boner offers an alternative to the clean-cut Frankie Avelon/Annette Funicello films. The Anus Family has little to do with Charles Addams’ ghoulish clan. John Travolta does not dance in Saturday Night Beaver and Katharine Hepburn is not featured in Guess Who Came At Dinner? The Flintbones is anything but a cartoon and I hardly think Rumpleforeskin is something you should show your 10-year-old. Sylvester Stallone does not star in Rambone, and the sequel to The Silence Of the Lambs is not Hannibal Licter. Honey, I Blew Everyone! Is not a reboot of Honey, I Shrunk The Kids! Perhaps it’s better that Stanley Kubrick has passed on than for him to see a porn parody of his film called Ass Wide Open. I hardly think the man who originated the procedure for dislodging food caught in the throat would be overjoyed by The Hindlick Maneuver. And I really don’t want to know what Fist And Shout is all about.

            But in these troubled times we get our comfort where we can. And as rule of thumb, most people generally look more attractive with a dick in their mouth anyway.