Most kids love dinosaurs. I remember when I was very young being dazzled by an ad on the back of a comic book that offered a 6 ft. Tyrannosaurus Rex. I sent in my money and weeks later a thin envelope arrived. Puzzled, I tore it open only to find an elongated balloon with the image of a T-Rex on it and cardboard dinosaur feet to tie the balloon to. This was the exact moment I realized the world was shitty, untrustworthy, and going to be a series of savage disappointments.
I think the first times I ever saw a dinosaur on film was watching King Kong on the “Million Dollar Movie.” The model construction by Marcel Delgado and stop-motion animation by Willis O’Brien was thrilling to watch. Their Brontosaurus, Stegosaurus, Pterodactyls, T-Rex and giant Faye Wray-loving ape were staggering to behold. After that came the incredible work of Ray Harryhausen who brought to life the Cyclops, giant dragon and fighting skeletons in The 7th Voyage Of Sinbad, but his dinosaurs in films like The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms and The Valley Of Gwangi were things of beauty, awe and terror. Most kids today know dinosaurs from Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park, animated cartoons like The Land Before Time, Carnosaur on the Syfy channel or that rotten toddler TV show- Barney & Friends.
But, God forgive me, why do I love the crummy dinosaur movie? The one where the producers ran out of money to hire good stop-motion animators or just settled with blown-up shots of lizards and iguanas outfitted with horns glued to their heads. The dinosaurs that, when they show up on screen, are met with groans of disbelief and derision by the audience. Sure, they make most people annoyed, but they have the opposite effect on me. I have such sympathy with the bad ones and my heart always goes out to the filmmakers for their ineptitude and laziness. (And not the countless computer-generated monsters that glut the Syfy channel). Here are a few that warm my prehistoric heart.
The Land Unknown. What was to be a big budget, color, A feature got denigrated to a black & white B movie when all the money went to the set. A group crash-lands on an uncharted land in Antarctica only to find it filled with cheap looking dinosaurs- including a large man lumbering along in a T-Rex outfit.
Unknown Island. A silly but incredibly enjoyable movie about an adventurer (Phillip Reed), his fiancé (Virginia Grey) and an alcoholic (Richard Denning), who discover an island of (you guessed it) dinosaurs. There are gorilla monsters, lizard monsters and the scene where they stumble on a wasteland filled with several large prehistoric beasts (or men in T-Rex suits) is hilariously sublime. In “Cinecolor.”
One Million B.C. The film that forever taught children (erroneously) that cavemen and dinosaurs existed at the same time. Victor Mature and Carole Landis starred, speaking grunting cave talk. Besides an elephant with a hairy wig and fake tusks (representing a Woolly Mammoth) there are tons of lizards to represent other prehistoric creatures. Scenes from this movie popped up in a million low-budget sci-fi movie afterwards. (If I have to see that fighting alligator and lizard rolling around in battle one more time I’ll scream).
Lost Continent. “Rock climbing,” is how the Mystery Science Theater 3000 jokingly described this tedious film about a group searching the South Pacific for a lost atomic rocket who end up on a rocky plateau filled with ludicrous dinosaurs. With Leave It To Beaver’s dad- Hugh Beaumont and Batman’s Joker Cesar Romero and a brief cameo by Acquanetta as a jungle native.
Two Lost Worlds. An American clipper ship is attacked by pirates and makes land in Queensland Colony, Australia in 1830. An injured mate (James Arness) falls for a magistrate’s daughter (Kasey Rogers), but when she is kidnapped by pirates he follows in pursuit of her. Along the way they run aground on a volcanic island teaming with dinosaurs (all footage appropriated from One Million B.C. ). There is a voiceover that is hilariously florid.
King Dinosaur. Another Bert I. Gordon cheapie about scientists who take a spaceship to a new planet only to find it overrun with iguanas in costumes photographed close-up and given a hot foot by the special effects department to make them move. 3/4ths of the film is stock footage.
The Lost World. Expectations were high when producer/director Irwin Allen hired special effects master Willis O’Brien (King Kong) to work on this remake of the silent classic. But Allen was under the gun time-wise and financially and ended up with more costumed lizards even though O’Brien pleaded to create stop-motion animation. So, what we ended up with was Claude Rains, Michael Rennie and Jill St. John (and her obnoxious poodle) backing away in horror from rear-projected giant reptiles.
The Beast Of Hollow Mountain. A western/dinosaur hybrid and based on an original story by stop-motion animation genius Willis O’Brien. Guy Madison plays a cattleman in Mexico investigating mutilated livestock who confronts a toothy Allosaurus. O’Brien was originally supposed to do the effects, but a less expensive and inferior crew ruined what could have been a better film. At least the other western/monster mashup- The Valley Of The Gwangi had Ray Harryhausen’s superb stop-motion beast.
Jack The Giant Killer. The same crew reunited from The 7th Voyage Of Sinbad– handsome star- Kerwin Mathews, creepy villain- Torin Thatcher, and director- Nathan Juran. What’s missing is animator Ray Harryhausen. The creatures in this film- two headed giants, sea serpents and a flying dragon that looks like a winged dog with a long tail, are pretty lame. But I still adore the film.
Reptilicus. Danish monster movie about a frozen prehistoric tail found by miners in Lapland, which accidentally thaws out at a Copenhagen aquarium and regenerates, transforming into a giant, flying, dragon-like monster nicknamed “Reptilicus” by reporters. It rampages across Denmark until (like a rock star) it is shot in the mouth with a bazooka filled with sedatives. Right up there with The Giant Claw for goofiest flying prehistoric bird.
The Land That Time Forgot. The first of two movies based on books by Edgar Rice Burroughs, both starring questionable leading man Doug McClure (who was more comfortable in TV westerns). A World War I German U-Boat (with British prisoners onboard), takes a wrong turn and ends up at a strange land filled with cavemen, active volcanoes and laughable dinosaurs.
The People That Time Forgot. A 1919 British expedition search Antarctica for a missing explorer (Doug McClure) in this cheesy sequel with even less realistic dinosaurs. If rubber puppets terrify you, this is your film.
The Last Dinosaur. Richard Boone plays the world’s grumpiest millionaire big game hunter who travels to the earth’s core to find a hidden land with a living Tyrannosaurus, and other prehistoric throwbacks. A Japanese special-effects team were responsible for the sub-par monsters. Maybe that’s why it ended up on TV rather than theaters.
Dinosaurus! Petrified dinosaurs and a Neanderthal man are discovered by a construction crew on an island near San Croix. An electrical storm zaps them back to life. A little boy befriends the caveman and gets to ride on the back of the Brontosaurus but it takes a steam shovel to take down the vicious T-Rex in this laughable kiddie film that has special effects that are often ludicrous. A true guilty pleasure.
Theodore Rex. A futuristic sci-fi buddy cop film with Whoopi Goldberg as a police detective assigned with a Tyrannosaurus partner who search for an evil millionaire bent on destroying the dinosaurs and starting a new ice age. At the time, this was one of the most expensive movies to be released directly-to-video. Whoopi Goldberg was caught in an unsuccessful legal battle trying to get out of making the movie only to end up nominated for Worst Actress at the 1996 Golden Raspberry awards.
A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaurs Hell. A warrior (Linda Corwin) fights monsters, mutants and men in mullets in this Troma Team release. The dinosaur scenes (which are mercifully brief) showcase bad Claymation FX.
Caveman. Poor Ringo Starr plays a Stone Age dope named Atouk, fighting Lar (Dennis Quaid) for the hand of cavewoman Tala (Shelley Long) in this gaggingly unfunny prehistoric comedy. They all cavespeak words like: “macha” for monster; “haraka” for fire and “zug zug” for sex.
Yor, The Hunter From The Future. In this stupid Italian sci-fi fantasy, blonde, muscular hunk Reb Brown plays the loincloth-wearing barbarian, battling Triceratops-like creatures and other angry primatives in a prehistoric world and trying to make sense out of the gaudy medallion hanging around his neck.
Jurassic Prey. A bank-robbing former child star and a female embezzler end up stranded at a cabin in the woods fighting a not-so-fearsome prehistoric monster. Carnosaur is Citizen Kane next to this piece-of-shit.
Tammy & The T-Rex. Denise Richards stars as high-school cheerleader- Tammy, whose boyfriend Michael (an almost unrecognizable, young and sweet-looking, Paul Walker) has his brain extracted and put into the body of a mechanical Tyrannosaurus by an evil scientist (Terry Kiser– who was better playing a corpse in Weekend At Bernie’s). Michael (as a T-Rex) gets bloody revenge at all who wronged him and Tammy gets to ride on his back occasionally, evading authorities and the villainous scientist. Originally this was released minus the gore (which is the whole point of the movie), but recently surfaced uncut on Blu-ray and cable. It still sucks, but at least we get to see guts yanked out of bad guys and heads chewed off.
I LOVE Dennis Dermody. And every word he writes about ANYTHING!
Dennis, loved the history you compiled on dinosaur movies, made me laugh as your comments always amuse me! Wishing you the best and keep up the great work!