Household Objects Of Annihilation

            I’ve written about inanimate objects that kill in movies, but those were about possessed machinery and killer furniture. While I was lying in bed the other night counting corpses, I began to think of all the weirder items that have been used in movies to kill. And not just the wood chipper from Fargo. More oddball choices. I compiled a list of films that sprang to mind. You can add to them if you want. (What else do you have to do these days?) So, settle back with a cold brew, kick off your shoes in front of the TV and get ready for a slaycation.

            Corn: Sleepwalkers. Oh shucks, this is based on Stephen King short story about a mother and son were-cat shapeshifters. Mama (Alice Krige) gets corny with a police officer by jamming an ear of corn in his back. We call it “maize.” 

            Frisbee: Hard Ticket To Hawaii. The Bold And The Beautiful’s Ronn Moss plays a super-DEA agent who disposes of a bad guy on the beach during a killer game of Frisbee. Finally, that worthless piece of flying plastic can be good for something.

            Blender: You’re Next Sharni Vinson plays a young woman whose trip to meet her boyfriend’s family turns into a nightmare when they come under siege from a group of killers wearing animal masks. In a fight to the death in the kitchen she uses the sharp blades of a plugged-in blender to emulsify the head of a home invader. The ultimate smoothie.

            Basketball: Deadly Friend. A robot hard-drive is implanted in the head of the braindead girl next door and she rebounds by getting revenge on the mean old lady down the street (Anne Ramsey) by throwing a basketball and obliterating her head in a move the referee might call either a “foul” or a “slam dunk.”

            TV: Def By Temptation. In this black horror/comedy Cynthia Bond plays a succubus preying on men in Brooklyn bars, picking them up and turning them into bloody messes. One poor soul is literally sucked into a TV near the end of the film, which seems more and more understandable as this pandemic drags on.

            Hat: Goldfinger. James Bond faces hulking henchman Oddjob (Harold Sakata), fond of throwing a lethal steel-bladed hat around. Unfortunately, Bond electrifies the iron bars the hat is embedded in when Oddjob tries to retrieve it, giving him one hell of a nasty shock. 

            Lawnmower: Dead Alive. Discounting the tragic lawnmower accident that dismantled the heroine in Frank Henenlotter’s sardonically hilarious Frankenhooker, I have fond memories of the plucky hero in Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive– facing a zombie attack by upending his lawnmower and shredding the horde of undead- limbs, blood and organs flying everywhere. “Good job, son- here’s a quarter.” 

            Necklace: Deep Red. During the finale of this great Italian thriller, musician David Hemmings does battle with the killer and the necklace she’s wearing accidentally hooks to the elevator which jerks upward and eventually removes her head, swiftly but also stylishly.

            Corkscrew: Friday The 13^th: The Final Chapter. When it comes to the Jason/slasher movies it’s hard to pick out a favorite kill. But I liked college student Crispin Glover yelling to his housemate in the other room, “where’s the corkscrew?” only to have Jason ram it into his hand and then part his hair with a meat cleaver in Part 4.

            Outboard Motor: Doctor Butcher M.D. True, most outboard motors are used in the water to propel boats forward. But when you’re facing a zombie on the beach of an island in the East Indies and the only thing at hand is a motor- what better way to immobilize your attacker than by jamming it into his rotting head? 

            Swing: American Gothic. Some kids end up on an island where God-fearing Ma (Yvonne De Carlo) and Pa (Rod Steiger) live with their psychotic offspring. Poor Rob get pushed higher and higher on a swing by the cheerfully bonkers brother and sister- right off a cliff.

            Umbrella: Silent Night, Deadly Night 2. Gene Kelly may have danced down a wet street in the rain with an umbrella, but in this film the escaped lunatic, with Santa issues, gets to impale an umbrella through a man and then snap it open, while admonishing his victim, “naughty.” 

            Clothesline: Final Destination. There have been plenty of wonderful Rube Goldberg-inspired deaths in the Final Destination franchise, but poor Tod (Chad Donella) getting tangled up and strangled by a bathroom clothesline is the most pitiful.

            Incense Burner: The Confessional. British director Pete Walker’s corrosive portrait of Catholicism about a deranged priest who not only poisons communion wafers but also swings a flaming incense burner and brains another he believes should face divine justice. Known also as The House Of Mortal Sin.

            Snow Blower: Ilsa, The Tigress Of Siberia. The fabulous Dyanne Thorne from the notorious Naziploitation “Ilsa” films returned as the sadistic commandant at a Gulag in the later years of Stalin. She dispenses her usual cruel justice to the prisoners- spears in heads; arm wrestling next to a chainsaw; death by Siberian tiger. Halfway through, the movie shifts to Montreal and Ilsa dispatches a spy by having her goons bury the man up to his neck in the snow and let a snow blower bloodily plow into him. The moral: don’t fuck with Ilsa. Especially during snow season.

            Phone: Murder By Phone. A disgruntled phone company employee devises an ear-splitting frequency that can kill people who answer their phones. “CAN YOU FEAR ME NOW?”