5 Scariest Films of All Time

            What’s the scariest film of all time? Some say Psycho, some The Texas Chainsaw Masacre, A Nightmare on Elm Street. For many there was nothing to equal the first time they saw Night of the Living Dead. But for me, the most terrifying sight of all is Lucille Ball croaking out “We Need a Little Christmas” in her wrong-headed 1974 take on Auntie Mame called simply Mame. Here are the five top horror films that always fill my heart with dread.

            Mame. Poor Lucille Ball’s big dream was to play this famous beloved character based on Patrick Dennis’s best seller, which had already been an award-winning play and movie starring an incandescent Rosalind Russell. So, securing the rights to the musical version, triumphantly played on Broadway by Angela Lansbury, the carrot-topped comedienne dived head-first into a debacle that delighted no one. A bit long in the tooth for the part, Lucy had herself filmed through a gauzy haze that looks at times like it was shot through a lens coated with KY Jelly. Every time she makes an appearance on screen the film goes in and out of focus so often you have a headache after ten minutes. I admit I dropped some LSD with friends and we went to see the movie first run and there were so many out-of-focus moments that I was afraid I was going blind. In the dance sequences Lucy flashes her well-preserved legs but keeps the dancing to a minimum. The dancers around her are working so furiously you have to feel sorry for them, and the rest of the cast, save Bea Arthur (a holdover from the Broadway show), is woefully inadequate. When Lucy opens her mouth to sing, the husky growl makes you shrink back in abject horror. And when she dons a transparent Santa mask and croaks out “We Need a Little Christmas,” it’s more frightening than the shower scene in Psycho.

            Torch Song (1953). This can be summed up in four fearful words: “Joan Crawford in blackface.” MGM intended this to revitalize Crawford’s waning career. “Discover a NEW Crawford,” proclaimed the ads, “the eternal female!” Hollywood’s Mommie Dearest plays a Broadway legend (and gorgon) Jenny Stewart, rehearsing a new musical. Christ, she’s such a bitch in the movie she’s even mean to blind people (Michael Wilding plays the sightless pianist brought in for the show). Wilding finally confronts Crawford that she has the “mouth of an angel,” but “the words that come out are sheer tramp.” The musical number “Two-Faced Woman” has Joan singing and dancing in blackface, but when she rips off her wig in fury at the end it’s truly one of the most horrifying shock moments in cinema history.

            Lost Horizon (1973). A genuinely scary remake of the Frank Capra classic about a group of people whose plane crashes and who stumble onto a Tibetan land up in the mountains where the people never grow old. Made into a musical (care of Burt Bacharach and Hal David) the movie is an unqualified disaster. Especially offering the viewer the dubious opportunity of watching Peter Finch and Liv Ullmann sing. The sight of Liv Ullmann flailing and dancing around with a group of Mongolian children singing “The World Is a Circle” is definitely something that will have you covering your eyes in fear.

            Skidoo (1968) An astounding and terrifying LSD musical comedy directed by Otto Preminger, who reputedly tripped with Timothy Leary to get into the groove. Groucho Marx plays God, and Jackie Gleason plays an ex-mobster who escapes from jail by dosing the prison and flying off in a hot-air balloon. A hallucination involving dancing trash cans; Carol Channing screeching out the title song in a Rudi Gernreich-designed admiral’s outfit; cameos by Mickey Rooney, George Raft, Cesar Romero, Burgess Meredith, and Peter Lawford. It’s nice that Preminger decided to make a counter culture film starring old actors young people could care less about. Then there’s the final credits, which are entirely sung by Harry Nilsson while Groucho Marx sails away smoking a joint. If anything, this will scare you off of drugs forever.

            Beyond the Sea (2004) Sometimes sitting through bad biopics can be a shitload of fun. Gable and Lombard, W. C. Fields & Me, not to mention Neil Diamond’s howler based on the life of Al Jolson– The Jazz Singer. But nothing could prepare me for the horror of Kevin Spacey’s Bobby Darin biopic- Beyond the Sea. What was he thinking? Being a fan of Darin is one thing. But creating an All That Jazz-style biographical reenactment interspersed with cheesy MGM-ish musical numbers defies comprehension. What Spacey seems to have forgotten is that Bobby Darin electrified audiences. The Bronx-born singer, known for his hits “Splish Splash” and Mack the Knife,” was wiry, slick and cool. He was Mister Showbiz- the kind who could loosen his tie, throw the microphone around and still not be laughed off stage. Spacey, however is the king of smarmy character acting, and he looks preposterous channeling Darin, not so much for the age difference (Darin died of heart failure at 37), but because there’s something creepy about his performance- it’s like a bad drag queen’s impression of Liza Minnelli. Anyway, in order to explain why the film bears little relationship to life on this planet, a title card at the beginning of the film warns that “memories are moonbeams.” Well, when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, it can leave scars. Repeatedly I’ve had nightmares of Kevin Spacey in that ugly yellow suit whimsically singing and dancing to “Beyond the Sea.” That’s the trouble with horror movies- some can make you wake up screaming years after you shuddered through them.