Five Frights for Halloween

            People often ask me what scary movies to watch for Halloween. I presume it’s either because they know I watch a lot of horror films or maybe it’s because of my face. Either way I am happy to oblige, sharing my vast knowledge of useless information. I usually try to give them a list of movies that they probably haven’t seen (because those are the ones I love getting), so here are five fright films sure to make your hair stand on end.

            Chu Chu and the Philly Flash. You have to hand it to director David Lowell Rich. He made Carol Burnett unfunny. That is an achievement, of sorts. If you were lucky to see The Carol Burnett Show you were able to watch a comic genius at work. And you probably saw her do a Carmen Miranda skit, wearing ridiculously high platform shoes and fruit piled up on her head in Bob Mackie-designed splendor. Now imagine that without humor, wit, or intelligence and you have this movie. Set in San Francisco, Carol Burnett plays down-on-her-luck Emily, teaching tap dance lessons in her studio/apartment and making chump change as a street performer dressed in a Carmen Miranda getup. Alan Arkin is the Philly Flash, once a popular baseball player, now an ex-drunk peddling stolen watches on the street. A briefcase filled with stolen government documents falls from a window in front of Emily and Flash and they try to make money selling it back. Suddenly there are crooks (Danny Aiello) after the papers, and the “Commander” (Jack Warden), who runs a squad of homeless window washers, wants in on the action which leads to a whacky chase in a children’s park and a runaway hot dog cart. (Ruth Buzzi gets to mug shamelessly as a homeless weirdo). Will these two lost souls get together in the end? Do you really care? What the fuck is wrong with you? Trust me, you’ll be shielding your eyes in terror during the final scenes of this nightmare. 

            The Hottie & the Nottie. Vapid blonde heiress Paris Hilton is a successful TV reality star, influencer, DJ, designer. Why not an actress? She stars as the beautiful Cristobel, who Nate (Joel David Moore) has been in love with since 1^stgrade. Nate’s last girlfriend smashed a guitar over his head, wrote “loser” on his car with paint, took her entire bureau drawer with her clothes in it and ran him over with her car while screaming “you’re an asshole.” So, Nate travels to California to find Cristobel. She is even more beautiful now, but tells Nate, “I’m not going to date anyone again until June has someone special in her life.” June (Christine Lakin) is her unattractive best friend complete with acne, bad teeth and infected toenails. Into the picture comes Johann (Johann Urb)-  a handsome, wealthy dentist who went to Harvard, joined the Marines and was with Doctors Without Borders. He fixes June’s teeth for free and helps give her a makeover, but by now Nate has realized that he is in love with June. (Some of the more insightful dialogue: “Most of us are just lucky to date a guy that just brushes his teeth.”) How will this Ugly Duckling tale end? They all get killed in a horrible car accident. No, that was what I was praying for while I was watching it. I have to admit it was more pleasurable to see Paris Hilton die in House of Wax or get shoved up Mr. Slave’s ass on South Park.

            It’s Pat: The Movie. I have to say I like comedienne Julia Sweeney. Her one-woman show God Said: “Ha!” is just fabulous. But if you were annoyed by her skit as “Pat” (the gender confused character) she performed on Saturday Night Live, imagine an hour and a half of it. Everyone in the movie tries to discover Pat’s real gender, but is unsuccessful. That’s the gist of it. Jokes like “Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?” causes Pat to pull out a bright yellow banana out of his/her pocket. Haaahhaaaaaa. Pat meets and falls in love with Chris (David Foley), who is also ambiguous looking, causing the next-door neighbor (Charles Rocket) to obsess over finding the riddle that is “Pat.” Along the way Pat becomes a radio show personality and makes a lot of funny noises in his/her throat. Maybe in this new trans era this film might have a new chance of rediscovery. To me, after sitting through 15 minutes, the movie made me think more fondly of The Coneheads.

            Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star. There have been certain horror films that shook me to my core. Martyrs directed by Pascal Laugier; Inside by Alexandre Bustillo & Julien Maury; Irreversible by Gaspar Noe and A Serbian Film by Srdjan Spasojevic. But those all pale alongside Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star. Nick Swardson plays Bucky Larson, a grocery bag boy in Iowa who discovers his parents (Miriam Flynn and Edward Herrmann) were once famous porn stars “Rosie Bush” and “Jim Sprayzium.” With buck teeth, a Prince Valiant hairdo and a can-do attitude, Bucky is convinced it is his destiny to follow in his family’s profession and heads to L.A. to become an adult star. He meets an attractive waitress (Christina Ricci), rents a place with a horrible roommate (Kevin Nealon), but finds the road to porn stardom a rocky one. He drops his pants and starts masturbating during an interview for a Mac & Cheese commercial. He is humiliated at an Adult Industry party by arrogant porn star Dick Shadow (Stephen Dorff, who is mercifully funny). Fortunately he is discovered by X-rated director Miles Deep (Don Johnson) who sees his potential, although those around are not convinced. “When he pulled down his pants I thought I was looking at a vagina.” Bucky goes from internet sensation to sweeping the Adult Film Awards with 12 wins, including “Biggest Load.” He thanks his parents at the ceremony, “I thought I was going to bag groceries until I was gray in the hair but you showed me you can have dreams, and dreams can make your downstairs explode with magic.” Like Boogie Nights for morons, the jokes are all crude and violently unfunny. It’s just the kind of horror film where you have to keep fearfully reminding yourself, “It’s only a movie, only a movie, only a movie…”

            Battlefield Earth. Based on the best-selling novel by the late L. Ron Hubbard, who was more successful at suckering closeted movie stars into his Scientology cult than as a sci-fi visionary. The movie begins in the year 3000 where the Earth has been decimated by an alien race called Psychlos and man is an endangered species. Pockets of survivors live up in the mountains like cave people, one of them the free-thinking rebel Johnnie Goodboy Tyler (long-haired Barry Pepper, who looks like he’s auditioning for a bad Beastmaster sequel). Johnnie ventures out into the world only to be rounded up and captured by the aliens and transported to a Human Processing Center housed under a dome in Denver. He and the other “Man-animals” are slaves to the evil Psychlos, forced to live in cages and eat a puke-green gruel that is served to them from a hose. Johnnie keeps trying to escape and comes in contact with the villainous Chief of Security Terl (John Travolta– got up in fake monster hands, bad teeth, a high rubber forehead and massive dread locks that make him resemble an alien Charo), and his henchman Ker (Forest Whitaker, who looks like the Cowardly Lion if he joined a heavy metal band). Terl is pissed that he has to stay on this godforsaken planet and decides to illegally get some gold out of the mountains by training some of the slaves how to mine. So, he zaps Johnnie with a ray that enables him to understand the Psychlo language, and Johnnie acts dumb while garnering enough knowledge so he can secretly stage a rebel revolt to win back the planet Earth. Lots of risible dialogue like: “Johnnie, I always knew this was your destiny,” and the prophetic: “I will be the laughing stock of the universe.” This seems unlikely to convert many to Diuretics, or whatever the hell it’s called.