As I inch closer and closer to an open grave, I find myself compiling lists of movies I’ve always wanted to see, and then trying to track them down. On the other hand, I keep stumbling across titles that make me shudder with abject fear. I have written before about the titles of films that I still can’t make myself watch (here). But there are still plenty out there that keep me up at night imagining how horrible it would be to suffer through them. I always go by what Dorothy Parker once quipped, “It’s not the tragedies that kill you; it’s the messes.”
The Wackiest Wagon Train in the West. Towering thespian Bob Denver, who cut his acting teeth playing goofy beatnik Maynard G. Krebs on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis before landing the role of his career as first mate castaway and “little buddy” Gilligan on the show many critics have compared to The Wire– Gilligan’s Island (1964-1967). In 1976, Denver would challenge himself to play Dusty, the bumbling Wagonmaster’s (Forrest Tucker) assistant, in the comedy The Wackiest Wagon Train in the West, directed by Jack Arnold (The Incredible Shrinking Man). The film fell into “public domain” and is available on YouTube, but, after watching 5 minutes I had nightmares for a week.
The Nasty Rabbit. Now, I have to admit a guilty fondness for Arch Hall Jr. The pushed-in-faced, guitar-strumming, pompadour-abusing teen star of such Drive-In epics as Eeegah! and Wild Guitar, who the Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew wisecracked was a “Cabbage Patch Elvis.” But every time I try to watch this broad slapstick satire (also knows as “Spies-a-Go-Go”) my hands start shaking involuntarily, my head starts throbbing and I race to the DVD player and push eject. I gather it’s set at a Dude ranch and Arch plays a rock-and-roller who is also a spy, trying to defeat a Russian who has a rabbit infected with a deadly plague. Sounds hilarious, doesn’t it? I hear it also stars wonderful Liz Renay (Desperate Living) and Richard Kiel and the credits for the film are listed on rabbit-shaped signs along the highway. Are you howling with laughter yet?
Cop and a Half. Devon (Norman D. Golden) is a precocious 8-year-old who dreams of becoming a cop. He is witness to a murder but refuses to divulge any information until they make him a policeman. So, they pair the tyke with a child-hating veteran cop -Nick McKenna (Burt Reynolds). Hilarity ensues. Probably a sequel to Kindergarten Cop (1990) but who cares? It’s sad to see how many awful movies Burt Reynolds made considering you can see how good he could be in movies like Deliverance, Starting Over and Boogie Nights. But why should I spend my remaining years on this planet suffering through them? Especially this stinker which film critic Leonard Maltin rated as: “A hemorrhoid-and-a-half to anyone who sits all the way through this….abjectly painful comedy.”
Clarence, the Cross-Eyed Lion. Producer Ivan Tors (Flipper) discovered this cock-eyed lion and featured it in a kid-friendly adventure film which eventually was spun-off to a CBS TV series- Daktari, using the same cast. Set in Africa, Marshall Thompson plays a veterinarian who discovers this sweet-natured, cross-eyed lion, which his daughter Paula (Cheryl Miller) adopts. Supposedly the lion was so gentle he purred when petted. Betsy Drake plays a scientist studying the gorillas who tangles with poachers. First of all- I’m not five years old. Why would I see this? I hate cute animal films. Now if they made The Lion Queen, I might see that.
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! Sylvester Stallone plays a seasoned, tough police cop, whose mother (Estelle Getty) comes to live with him and meddles with his life, driving him crazy. She even interjects herself into a criminal investigation. Supposedly this action/comedy was actually a mean trick by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Knowing the script was a stinker, he pretended to be interested in this project so Stallone would campaign for the lead. But does that mean I have agonize through it? And I have such respect for Estelle Getty, not only for her hilarious portrayal of Sophia on The Golden Girls, but for repeated productions of Harvey Feinstein’s Torch Song Trilogy I sat through, where she was simply shattering. I don’t want this movie blotting all that out. Roger Ebert called this, “Moronic beyond comprehension….one of those movies so dimwitted, so utterly lacking in even the smallest morsel of redeeming value, that you stare at the screen in disbelief.”
Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. Oh no, evil developers are going to bulldoze the rec center! Let’s unite all the different warring breakdancing factions and save the neighborhood! Basically, an Andy Hardy movie but with bad 80s fashions and spirited head-spinning kids grooving to a crummy soundtrack. I admit, I never saw Breakin’ or Beat Street, but I did see Roller Boogie with Linda Blair. Does that count? There should be a “Trigger Warning” before the film to warn you of all the headband abuse.
The Three Stooges Meet Hercules. Two terrifying words: Joe DeRita. AKA Curly Joe, one of the later Stooge replacements, whose catch phrase “Buddy Boy” failed to go viral in the 1960s. The eye-gouging, face slapping, board whacking humor that made The Three Stooges a favorite with bullies and budding psychopaths was wearing thin by the time this ghastly movie was made. This tried unsuccessfully to compete with the popular Hercules, sword-and-sandal, films at the time. So, they interjected chariot races with agonizingly unfunny pie fights. Beefbag Samson Burke stars as Hercules. The trailer alone made me run into the other room screaming.
Bill. Mickey Rooney, former MGM star and frighteningly energetic homunculus, plays a mentally challenged man in a popular TV movie. Supposedly the film is about a kind family who takes him out of an institution, which is the only life he has ever known. I even bought the DVD as a joke thinking I could work it into a funny article but never had the guts to even take it out of its cellophane wrapper. Now, I worked for a long while in a ward with hyperactive, severely mentally challenged kids. I loved them all intensely. But It was an emotionally demanding job. After a kid smashed his arm through the front window and I held it together with a bloody tee shirt as we raced him to the hospital, I finally had enough and fled to Provincetown. Because of that I bristle when actors play “challenged.” Mickey Rooney is tough to take playing normal anyway, but acting up a storm on screen as “Bill” sounds too retarded to bear.
Don’t Raise the Bridge, Lower the River. Okay, I admit the movies Jerry Lewis made with director Frank Tashlin are pretty inspired. But his later films, like this one. look as fun as a colonoscopy. Especially since it’s directed by Jerry Paris, best known for a few Police Academy movies and Happy Days episodes. “Jerry’s on the loose in London, and merry old England was never merrier,” screams the trailer. Lewis plays a bungling schemer who turns his wife’s (Jacqueline Pearce) home into a Chinese restaurant/discotheque. In an attempt to win her back he teams up with a con artist (ghastly gap-toothed Terry-Thomas) in some hare-brained plot to steal the plans for a new drill. I guess that’s what it’s about. The NY Times called it a “spiritless farce,” which is more reason to avoid it. Just watching the trailer with Jerry Lewis in swinging 60s London mugging like crazy in a bowler hat made me want to put on the Sex Pistols’ “God Save the Queen.”
Honey, I Blew Up the Kid. Well, the movie Honey, I Shrunk the Kids! was an unexpected box office smash. In that flick, Rick Moranis plays Wayne, a scientist and dad, who accidently shrinks down his kids (and some neighborhood children). I admit I did see this in the theaters (probably because Stuart Gordon/Re-Animator was one of the screenwriters). But in this film, Wayne (Rick Moranis again) accidentally zaps his toddler into a giant, who waddles around Las Vegas causing comic havoc. I didn’t have the guts to see this in a theater and when I’m channel surfing and accidentally land on it I quickly move on. This kind of comedy has the definite stench of sequel desperation to it. Although when I first saw the ad in the newspaper I thought it was “Honey, I Blew the Kid,” which really threw me. A Disney pedophile comedy? Really? That ought to thaw Walt out of his cryogenic slumber.