When you’ve lived in an apartment for over 40 years you do accumulate a lot of crap. Not wanting to slip into “hoarder disorder,” I periodically throw out as much junk as I can. It often can be exhilarating to fill up a garbage bags with bad memories. Recently I was surprised to find a small collections of LP records stacked in a corner. Christ, I don’t even own a record player anymore. So, what do I need these for? But when I browsed through the LPs I was shocked and realized to my chagrin that I just could not part with them. Why? Well some are rare, true. But that isn’t it. Just the sight of each one still makes me laugh out loud. Most of them would easily make a “worst records of all time” list, but I remember each one very differently. They all made me unreasonably happy when I repeatedly played them. (Mercifully, I live alone). Here are 10 records I cannot possibly live without.
Music to Suffer By (Leona Anderson). Leona Anderson, who starred in silent films and then, memorably, as the blind housekeeper in William Castle’s House on Haunted Hill. She also cut a novelty record called “Fish” in the 1950s which caused her to be booked several times on the Ernie Kovacs TV show. Proudly referring to herself as “the world’s most horrible singer,” she cut an LP “Music to Suffer By,” released in 1957, that shall live in sonic infamy. On that disc she croaks out songs like “I Love Paris,” “Indian Love Call” and “Limburger Lover.” But for me there is only: “Rats in My Room.”
At Home with Screamin’ Jay Hawkins (Screamin’ Jay Hawkins). Screamin’ Jay Hawkins was a wild man pioneer of shock rock and R & B, climbing out of a coffin wearing a cape and carrying a stick with a skull on top (which famed NY DJ Alan Freed convinced him to do) singing “I Put a Spell on You” with that raspy, shout-vocal delivery. All his grunts and groans on the record caused him to be banned occasionally from the airwaves. I just loved him, especially his signature record “At Home with Screamin’ Jay Hawkins” which includes one of my all-time favorites- his cracked version of “I Love Paris.”
Permanent Damage (The GTOs). Mentored by Frank Zappa, this all-girl rock band was formed by female groupies who trolled the clubs on Sunset Strip. Made up of Miss Pamela (Pamela Des Barres), Miss Sparky (Linda Sue Parker), Miss Christine (Christine Ann Frka), Miss Sandra (Sandra Lynn Rowe) and Miss Mercy (Mercy Fontenot), Zappa encouraged them to form a rock group and they put out this one record on Zappa’s Straight Records label. Not exactly a chart buster, the band dissolved after a year but I played this album a lot and was amused by their giggling, whacked-out songs like: “I’m in Love With the OOO-OOO Man.”
Miss Bette Davis (Bette Davis) Now Bette Davis was renowned as a great actress and immortalized for her expressive eyes by Kim Carnes. But a singer she was not. She did croak out “They’re Either Too Young or Too Old” in the film Thank Your Lucky Stars. But when she sang “I’ve Written a Letter to Daddy” in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? it was supposed to be grotesque. Whoever convinced her she should cut a record of pop standards was either a deluded friend or a spiteful enemy. That’s kind of what makes this record so bad it’s good with her renditions of “I Wish You Love,” “Until It’s Time for You To Go,” and, yes, “I’ve Written a Letter to Daddy.” But it’s the way she massacres the lovely theme song from her film “Hush…Hush, Sweet Charlotte” that makes me mental.
You’re My Girl- Romantic Reflections (Jack Webb). Jack Webb will always be known for his role as the no-nonsense LAPD detective Joe Friday on the TV series Dragnet. “This is the city, Los Angeles, California. I work here…I’m a cop…and I carry a badge.” But Webb was an actor, producer, screenwriter and director (Pete Kelly’s Blues is just terrific). He was a huge supporter and aficionado of jazz. He even married sultry singer Julie London. So, it’s not surprising that he cut a record of easy-listening standards. But doing it in his trademark deadpan voice, saying the lyrics, not singing them. It’s kind of an astonishing album in many ways, but his version of the great Otis Redding’s classic “Try a Little Tenderness” has to be heard to be believed.
Will Success Spoil Mrs. Miller? (Mrs. Miller) Elva Ruby Miller was a Missouri housewife who sang as a hobby. She was “discovered” by Laugh-In announcer Gary Owens and was eventually signed to Capital Records, where this untrained mezzo-soprano croaked out an unforgettable, Godawful version of the Petula Clark hit Downtown which became a surprise phenomenon. She appeared on TV all the time and her album Mrs. Miller’s Greatest Hits rose to 15 on Billboard’s Top Albums chart. I adored that album, but flipped when I heard the tunes she massacred on Will Success Spoil Mrs. Miller? Especially her off-key version of “Strangers in the Night.”
The Transformed Man (William Shatner). Record companies were big on getting TV stars to cut records in the 50s and 60s. Everyone from Dr. Kildare’s Richard Chamberlain to Batman’s Adam West to Gilligan’s Island Tina Louise to Rawhide’s Clint Eastwood. They even got Leonard Nimoy, who played Mr. Spock on Star Trek to cut an album. So why not William Shatner, who played Captain Kirk on Star Trek? So, Decca Records put out The Transformed Man, where Shatner recited monologues and gave dramatic interpretations of songs. Through the years, Shatner has rewritten history by calling the album “a joke.” But, believe me, what makes it so much fun is that it’s so deadly serious and stupid. His version of The Beatles’ “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” is a ludicrous example.
Way Out West (Mae West) Mae West really was a comic genius. She single-handedly saved Paramount Studios with a series of bawdy comedies she wrote and starred in, which often ran afoul of the censors and eventually the dreaded Hays Code, which neutered her provocative, double-entendres. She cleverly created this character for herself as a curvaceous sexpot that all the men in her films desired. She was fast and loose but always had a heart of gold. When she sang in her films she had this Bessie Smith-like, bluesy sassiness. But in 1966, pairing her with the L.A. rock band Somebody’s Chyldren and putting out an album where she sang Beatles songs and a breathy, seductive version of “When a Man Loves a Woman” is pushing it. Although I have to admit I wore my album out playing it repeatedly for friends, especially her nightmarish version of “Twist and Shout.”
Wildmania (Wild Man Fischer). This was another “find” of Frank Zappa, who caught Fischer singing for change on Sunset Strip and hustled him into a recording studio to turn out one of the most deranged albums ever made. Fischer’s crazed a cappella versions of “Merry-Go-Round” and “Which Way Did the Freaks Go?” on his first album An Evening with Wild Man Fischer were outrageous enough, but his rants like “I’m Not Shy Anymore?” really demonstrated his underlying mental illness. Hospitalized many times and frustrated that his records didn’t cause him instant fame he was eventually dropped by Zappa after a bottle-throwing incident at Zappa’s home. But I’ll never tire of the joyously bonkers cut on the Wildmania album-“Young at Heart.”
Sebastian Cabot, Actor; Bob Dylan, Poet: A Dramatic Reading with Music (Sebastian Cabot). The corpulent, bearded, classy British actor Sebastian Cabot unfortunately will forever be known for playing Mr. French on the CBS sitcom Family Affair. But that sonorous voice was effectively used for Disney animated films and narrating Winnie the Pooh adventures. Why he thought it advisable to tackle Bob Dylan lyrics is a mystery for the ages. But that’s what he did for this ludicrous album of pompous dramatic interpretations of songs like “Blowin’ in the Wind,” “The Times They Are A-Changin’,” and my ultimate favorite of his- “It Ain’t Me Babe.”
Wait, I just found another small pile of LPs. Oh God, how can I live without The Ethel Merman Disco Album or Jayne Mansfield’s Shakespeare, Tchaikovsky & Me? The Fugs First Album? Or Ian Whitcomb’s You Turn Me On (with my favorite song on the planet: “N.E.R.V.O.U.S.”)? What about Yoko Ono’s Fly album (which used to cause my cat to dash up the wall for some reason)?
Now I know how Sophie felt about making a choice.
Hilarious. And what a walk down memory lane.