As each state slowly outlines plans for opening up businesses and re-booting the economy I am reminded of the scene in The Wizard Of Oz where Glinda the good witch sings for the Munchkins to, “come out, come out, wherever you are…” If they were filming that movie today maybe Glinda would have added, in dulcet tones, “and remember to wear a face mask on the yellow brick road…”
I don’t see the problem with wearing a mask while outside. And I’m weary of those who whine their “constitutional rights” (to be an asshole) are being violated. Think how creative you can be, and how mysterious you could look, by wearing a clever, home-made mask. But if you are insistent on not following CDC guidelines, may I offer another suggestion? What about wearing a full-face mask based on scary movies you have loved. And no, not Jason’s hockey mask from the Friday the 13th films, or Leatherface’s stitched-up skin covering, or the Ghostface mask from the Scream franchise. Why not be really creative? Then you can startle people on the street and at the grocery store and revel in the feeling that every day is Halloween. This way, if you want to “stick-it-to-the-man” in your mind, at least you won’t be infecting others by being thoughtless and stupid. So, here are 20 suggestions from movies I’ve loved:
Eyes Without A Face. Georges Franju’s 1960 masterpiece, a gothic horror fairy tale about a mad doctor kidnapping and killing women and attempting to graft their faces onto his daughter (Edith Scob), who was horribly disfigured in an accident. The daughter wears this placid, beatific mask throughout the movie as she wanders her father’s chateau. It’s a ghostly visage that has haunted me for years and it would be such fun to wander the streets of New York with that mask on while and wearing a bathrobe with the collar turned up, like she does in the film.
Onibaba. Based on a Japanese legend, Kaneto Shindo’s eerie tale, set in the mid-fourteenth century, is about an evil mother and daughter-in-law, who survive amidst the tall reeds by killing soldiers, selling their armor and dumping their bodies in a deep pit. When the daughter-in-law sparks up a romance with a neighbor, the furious mother dons a hideous demon mask she has pried from the face of a murdered samurai soldier in order to scare the lovers. But the plan nightmarishly backfires. Let’s hope your face doesn’t stay that way too when you wear the demon mask to Trader Joe’s.
Paranoiac. A great 1963 psychological thriller from Hammer Studios about a man who shows up at a mansion claiming to be the son, and heir, who committed suicide by drowning (although his body was never found). He is embraced by the sister but not by the brandy-swilling brother (Oliver Reed), who treats the stranger with contempt and disbelief. And what’s with the masked, hook-wielding, choir-robe-wearing figure who plays the organ in the dead of night? This mask really creeped the shit out of me when I was a kid and it would be fun to freak out the old lady living on the first floor of my apartment building with it
Curtains. In this oddball 1983 Canadian horror film, a group of acting hopefuls agree to go to a wintry woodland retreat with the director (John Vernon) vying for parts in his new film. An actress (Samantha Eggar), who put herself in harm by getting herself admitted to a mental hospital (in order to understand the lead character better), escapes from the ward and is headed their way. Soon a killer in an old hag mask is picking off the thespians one-by-one with various weapons. This eerie, masked figure is a particular favorite of author Scott Heim (Mysterious Skin) and should get you pushed to the front of the line at any local market.
Alice, Sweet Alice. Alfred Sole’s provocatively perverse 1976 thriller is set in Paterson, New Jersey in the 1960s. A young girl (Brooke Shields) is murdered at her Catholic communion and all eyes fall on her hateful, jealous sister Alice (amazing Paula Sheppard). A mysterious little figure wielding a knife in a yellow rain slicker and a transparent little-girl-mask haunts the film. A stylish, creepy, terrific film with all sorts of wonderfully (lapsed Catholic) sardonic touches that you can emulate when you wear the see-through mask out on the street.
Tourist Trap. I have such affection for this gonzo 1979 horror films about some kids driving the backroads who break down and end up at a broken-down western museum run by the mysterious Mr. Slausen (Chuck Conners). He lets them stay overnight but warns them not to venture out after dark. That might have something to do with his weirdo, psycho/brother who is a master of telekinetically bringing the mannequins to life and wears a strange, female-looking mask with a blonde wig. If you are going for a more transgender look, this is definitely the mask for you.
Motel Hell. Enjoyably goofy, demented black comedy starring Rory Calhoun as the crazed owner of a motel whose guests end up as ingredients in “Farmer Vincent’s Fritters.” Many who check in at the motel end up out back in a special garden, buried up to their necks, their vocals chords removed, being fed nutrients to add to the flavor of the sausage. Calhoun even wears a giant bloody pig head on occasion, wielding a chainsaw while doing battle with lawmen. Now, wearing an over-sized pig head might be a bit much now that it is inching towards summer, so you might just want to use the porcine mask when you’re going downstairs to check your mail.
Stage Fright. If you are in an “owlish” mood because of the pandemic look no further than representing this marvelous, macabre 1987 Michele Soavi film about a theatrical troupe rehearsing a musical about a mass murderer. They get locked inside the theater by an escaped lunatic wearing a huge owl head who starts savagely bumping off the thespians. Wearing this oversized owl-head may be cumbersome but will make you a hit with bird-watchers in Central Park.
My Bloody Valentine. Made back in the halcyon days when teenagers existed only to be slaughtered on screen by crazed psychos. In the 1981 Canadian film, a mad miner excavates hearts from his victims with a pickaxe. The 2009 3D remake was pretty great too. Wearing a full gasmask is a bit overkill though, but carrying a pickaxe down the avenue will give you great street cred.
Nightbreed. Clive Barker’s wildly ambitious 1990 film stars Craig Sheffer as a troubled young man set up as fall-guy for a series of murders. He flees into a subterranean, monster-filled world called Midian. The film was heavily edited by the studio and bombed on its release. Mercifully, a complete, uncut version was recut by Barker and survives on Blu-ray. This epic supernatural saga is filled with a staggering array of creepy creatures (even more varied than in Hellraiser), but my favorite is the twisted, button-eye, zippered mouth mask worn by David Cronenberg (who plays a deranged serial killer doctor). That headpiece is the stuff of nightmares, and would put a spring in your step on the streets where you live.
Donnie Darko. Richard Kelly’s mind-bending sci-fi saga about a sleep-walking teenager (Jake Gyllenhaal) who comes across a demonic-looking 6-foot-tall rabbit named Frank who tells him the world will end in 28 days. It’s ironic that Stranger Things, which combines 80s nostalgia and weird, alternate universe paranoia, is such a hit now on Netflix. This 2001 movie which mined similar themes struggled at the box office but eventually became a cult phenomenon later on. I sure would love to see someone out walking with that huge, snaggletooth blue rabbit mask on. Or maybe not.
Satan’s Little Helper. Blazingly original director Jeff Lieberman’s (Blue Sunshine) darkly funny/scary mindfuck about a young boy (Alexander Brickel) obsessed with a satanic video game who mistakes a serial killer dressed like the devil on Halloween, thinking it’s his video game hero answering his secret prayers. So, he follows the masked man around as he goes from house-to-house trick or treating with a large butcher knife. Make your own devil mask and imagine every time you head out the door all the satanic mayhem that will follow you throughout the day.
You’re Next. This home invasion horror great is about a wealthy, dysfunctional family who gather at a large isolated estate to celebrate their parents’ anniversary. The ever-beautiful Barbara Crampton plays the terrified matriarch as a group of mysterious killers wearing animal masks lay siege to the house. Wearing a lamb; tiger or fox mask will delight small children in their strollers but freak out their parents when you are out for a stroll. Mission accomplished!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of Leslie Vernon. This meta-horror film directed by Scott Glosserman (similar to What We Do In The Shadows), is about is a grad-school documentary crew following around a Maryland killing legend- Leslie Vernon (Nathan Baesel). The genial, good-looking Leslie lets the crew follow him as he stalks a victim wearing a creepy mask, fights with an avenging nemesis (Robert Englund), and prepares to massacre some teens partying at his abandoned family farmhouse. When the crew decides to intervene, things go very wrong. I like the simplicity of the mask- depending on the light it either looks blue or green; with oversized eye holes and an elongated ear-to-ear painted-on frown with jagged tufts of hair on top. One can easily imagine 6 feet of space around you on the subway the next time you wear this mask.
The Hills Run Red. A documentary filmmaker (Tad Hilgenbrinck) is trying to track down a notorious “lost” horror movie. He tracks down the director’s daughter (Sophie Monk), a drug-addict stripper and she agrees to accompany he and his film crew deep into the woods, promising to introduce the filmmaker with her mysterious director father (William Sadler). They unfortunately run into a freakish killer in the forest who sliced off his own face and wears a creepy porcelain doll-face mask. I’m not all that wild about this twisty, gory chiller but I have to admit the “Babyface” mask is a thing of nightmarish beauty and wearing it might make going to the store a gas.
Trick ‘r Treat. Director Michael Dougherty’s fiendishly fun fright film takes place in an Ohio town on Halloween night, and alternates between four stories weaving in and out while kids are trick or treating, and ghoulies and ghosts roam the night. The genius of the film is the wonderful way these ghoulish tales slide back and forth, all the while a creepy little figure with a burlap sack mask wanders by dragging a dripping bag. And how hard is it to wrap burlap around you face?
Valentine. I’m a sucker for stupid holiday-themed slasher films. In a prologue a young boy is unmercifully bullied at a school dance. 13 years later a cupid-mask-wearing killer stalks and slays his abusers. The maniac sends valentine’s cards first: “Roses are red, violets are blue, they’ll need dental records to identify you.” There is definitely something unnerving about this cherubic cupid mask, and will give subway riders pause when you step into the car. Especially if you’re also carrying a bow and arrow.
The Strangers. A brutally effective 2008 home invasion movie by director Bryan Bertino about a young couple (Scott Speedman & Liv Tyler) who return home to find a group of menacing mask-wearing people outside the house attempting to get in. Either the “doll face” mask will do or the main killer’s sack-head disguise will disturb others scrambling for toilet paper at CVS.
Haunt. A bunch of teens on Halloween find an out-of-the-way spook house and soon find themselves prisoners, hunted down one-by-one by the mask-wearing men guiding partygoers around. There was something smart and chilling about this 2019 film directed by Scott Beck and Bryan Woods and any mask the fiends wore in this film would be creepily effective as you stroll down a deserted Park Avenue.
He’s Out There. A mom (Yvonne Strahovski) travels to her lake house with her kids. The dad has promised to follow later that night. But while they are there at their remote woodland sanctuary, a creepy masked figure comes after them. I’ll admit this is a familiar scenario but director Quinn Lasher makes this work- it’s scary as shit. And if you even attempt a masked get-up as frightening as the villain wears in this film you will clear aisles on any bus you travel on. And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Self-distancing.
There’s always Julian Roffman’s The Mask. That way if you forget to wear it, you can remind yourself in a deep ominous voice, ‘put on the mask!’