In Hollywood, “tuck” is not what you do to your children at night. Sometimes it’s a porn star’s name, but usually it’s something that you do to your body. To stay off the ravages of time, actors and actresses whittle away at themselves like a stick in the hands of Huckleberry Finn. But what happens to the excess skin sliced off during surgery? The answer takes the form of an enterprising black market, which has been working for years to transform this material into ravishing new designer purses. Yes, you too can have a clutch bag made of Cher or Dolly Parton if you have the big bucks.
I was alerted to this ghoulish enterprise by Elliot A, who’s part of a network of paid-off nurses and hospital orderlies. These health care professionals collect celebrity snippets, put them on ice and UPS them to an undisclosed location. There, the skin is treated, stretched, tanned and dyed. When enough material is amassed (which doesn’t take long, since most stars go under the knife at the first sight of unsightly sagging), it’s sewn together into a fetching handbag.
“I’ve been a collector for years,” said Margaret P, a woman awash in her late husband’s cash, who doesn’t mind spending the hefty fees associated with the enterprise. “I know it sounds sick,” she says, “but when I step out for some charity event and rub my cheek against the actual cheek of Raquel Welch, I get a special chill.”
How much do these human tote bags go for? I can never get a straight answer, but much of the cost has to do with the conditions of snatching enough skin to transform into a pretty purse. When Carnie Wilson went on TV to claim that the stomach operation (televised live on the internet) had left her with lots of sagging skin, there was a run to the phones to place orders. When all was said and done, James R from Oklahoma owned a handsome overnight bag and matching toiletry kit made from the now-svelte former songbird.
A smart makeup bag made entirely from the late Michael Jackson’s nose is now in the possession of Grace Q in Chicago. “It’s like having a part of him with me forever,” she says. “It practically has me doing the moonwalk in my own living room.” Although she admits hiding it in the back of her closet after watching the harrowing documentary Leaving Neverland on Netflix.
And who started this daring endeavor? Joseph L of Modesto California, a former tanner, got the idea when he accidentally sliced off some forearm skin in his workshop during a thunderstorm. A light bulb seemed to flash in his brain. He knew how movie-star-crazy his customers were, always scrambling for autographs and keepsakes of their favorite glamor goddesses. But what would a real skin souvenir be worth? He spent months investigating and befriended a strapping male nurse who worked for one of the top Hollywood plastic surgeons. He found how much excess skin an abdominoplasty or a rhytidectomy left and started handsomely paying off staff and technicians to secret away the surplus shavings. After that it was just a matter of getting clients who would pay for it. Even during a cursory glance at eBay, one notices how much people pay for celebrity artifacts. “There’s a big market out there, and it’s growing,” Joseph admitted to me over the phone. “I have hundreds waiting for a Mickey Rourke overnight bag or a Faye Dunaway clutch purse. And every time I turn on an awards show, it’s like ‘Night of a Thousand Face-lifts.’ My heart sings with joy.”
This has been going on for many years, Nancy O confided. “I have a few purses myself. I own a vintage Priscilla Presley and I’ve got bids on a Donatella Versace.” Fred O admits to having a shoulder bag made from Kenny Rogers and admits the singer’s “country charm” travel with him throughout the day. Alice L has a lovely satchel made from the late Mary Tyler Moore “that makes me want to throw my hat in the air.” An evening bag constructed from the excess skin flaps of Carrot Top makes Jennifer S feel immediately like a Z-list celebrity. And a clutch purse made from Tom Jones “is not unusual” to Mary X of Cincinnati.
What’s the harm? The celebrities themselves shed their skin like snakes anyway. As the famed Austrian writer Karl Kraus (1874-1936) prophetically said, “Progress makes purses out of human skin.” No kidding, dollface.
